Red vs Blue : Mirage

I Dream of Meanie

The Blues are standing around each other.

Church: Get out of my body right now, Tex!

Tex: (in Lopez's body) Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it.

Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!

Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed.. and I like it!

O'Malley: I know how to get her out of there. (raises pistol and Tex looks at him) Wink.

Church: Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay? (Caboose leaves) Alright, Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

Tex: Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot.

Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time? (he looks over at a rock that has been written on in aqua: PRIVATE! KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!) Like even when we're alone?

Tex: Yes, Tucker, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

Caboose is visible in the background, crouched on top of Sheila.

Tucker: ...It's very lonely out here...

Tex: Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose. And I think your other guy, Rayner, noticed it too.

Church: A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

Tex: You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?

Tucker: Me and Rayner have! Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church but he never listens.

Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Fade to black, then to a grayscale flashback that Tex narrates.

Tex: (voiceover) Rayner and I had just finished repairing the tank when we overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me.

Church: (in the flashback with a faint echo) I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the Reds.

Tex: From what I could tell, (fade to black, then to the present) the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. (fade to a grayscale flashback) Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took it's chance.

Caboose: (in flashback, echoing) Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.

Fade to the present.

Tucker: And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?

Church: Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I. and Caboose's would've been vacant.

Tucker: I think there are a few of his NON-artificial slots that are empty too.

Fade to grayscale flashback.

Tex: And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot! (in flashback, echoing) Ah crap! (fades to the present) And the next thing I know.. I'm a ghost.

Church: Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

Tex: Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

Cut to the top of Red Base. Simmons, Grif, and Donut are lined up watching Sarge.

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

Grif: Shut up, Donut!

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir-

Donut: -or Punch Buggy?

Grif: Why won't this guy shut up?

Donut: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Simmons: (at the same time as Grif) Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

Grif: (at the same time as Simmons) Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Donut: Cool! I vote for Simmons!

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really. (Simmons and Grif say something indecipherable) Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

Grif: (in the background) I'm confused.

Sarge: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

Grif: Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

Sarge: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

Camera pans from Donut and Grif to Simmons.

Simmons: Aw, fuck me!

Sarge: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

Everyone looks at Donut.

Donut: Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Sarge: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Fade to black.

Simmons: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

Sarge: Now, Grif, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

Grif: Check.

Sarge: Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

Grif: Check.

Sarge: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

Grif: Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

Sarge: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

Grif: I'll have to check.

Sarge: Check, you mean we have it?

Grif: Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

Sarge: C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!