hits different - Taylor Swift and Travis kelce

the beginning

- Taylors Pov -

I love touring, I do, but something is missing from my life. I don't know what it is, but there is this spot inside of me that I can't seem to get right. It's always been like that, at least for as long as I can remember. For the longest time I thought, and felt, that Joe was that thing, that person, but turns out that was a fat lie. I just want to feel that epic, earth-shattering, love. The love that consumes you and doesn't fizzle out in time. Does it even exist? The closest example I know about is Blake and Ryan, who are going strong even after all these years. Most people though, they break. Nothing lasts forever and all that crap. I don't know. I'm not usually this pessimistic about life, but I've been feeling down when the light of the stage dies down and I'm left to my own mind. When the crowd stops roaring all I can hear is the excessive nagging of my own brain.

I'm sliding my legs into a pair of performance tights when I break another pair, that's two nights in a row I manage to break them. Thank god we keep a huge stash with us, so I have plenty to spare. These days I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but then I get on stage and soar. It's my escape from everything I'm feeling off-stage.

I've been single for months, and I think it's best if it stays that way. I mean, I have a bad track record with relationships. It's like a broken record playing over and over but never playing the song right. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me that makes me so unlovable? That's the nagging question these days. There has to be something wrong with me that leaves me in relationships that never last.

My last one, with Joe, ended with him confessing that he was cheating on me with this girl Emma. Our relationship had been going down the drain for a while, and he was never willing to compromise on things that I might want, so there shouldn't have been a surprise that it ended. My friends kept telling me that he was no good for me and kept me like a dirty secret, but I didn't want to hear it because I loved him so much. But looking back at it I know they were right. He never wanted to go out because someone might spot us and take pictures, he never wanted to be involved in the stuff I did, and we had to live where he wanted and the way he wanted. There wasn't any room for me in that relationship, not the me I truly am. Because I had to shut down my sparkles to please him.

I guess some of the songs on midnights were me rebelling against what he put me through, without me coming out and telling him it was about him. I guess I was just too tired to play the games with him, I wanted to soar on my own, sparkle, and be on top of the world. I love my job, and I shouldn't have to be ashamed of it like I was forced to be for years.

Times are changing, and I want a new beginning. I want to soar on stages all over the world, I want to hang with my friends, and I want that epic love that some people have. I want someone who only has eyes for me and lets me be who I am. Not that I think that person is out there for me, it's been years and I'm starting to doubt that I will ever experience what I crave.

☆★☆★☆★☆

The crowd has been roaring during the first few songs, and I'm having a blast. Dancing in my sparkly leotard and hearing the crowd screaming the lyrics back at me is like my own personal drug. But then we get to the song lover and a longing for that feeling again hits me. It does this every night I have to sing the song I wrote about him. It's definitely the hardest one to sing. It's like a punch to the gut because of the memories that keep popping up, so the only feeling I feel during that song is anger. Anger that I didn't see the red flags earlier, angry at myself for staying as long as I did. I could have been in a totally different space mentally if I just left him when he first started to dim my sparkles. The sparkles that I used to love ended up in the attic getting dusted over from lying there for so long. I wasn't me anymore towards the end, and I ignored everyone who told me so. If he hadn't cheated, I might still have been with I'm, miserable and tired.