hits different - Taylor Swift and Travis kelce

naked

-Taylors pov-

This morning I went to the hospital and got my drains removed. Everything looked good so far and I can finally take a shower. My skin is itching and I'm confident I smell badly. Poor Travis has to share a bed with smelly old me, but today I get to take a shower. I can't take a bath yet but at least a shower.

"do you want to head in the shower right away?" Travis says as we walk into the house, and I chuckle "Is this you telling me I smell bad in a nice way?"

"not at all, I love the stench" he jokes, and I laugh so hard it hurts my chest. "but yes, I want a shower asap."

"come on let's do it then" he takes my hand and leads me up the stairs towards our bedroom. "I can shower on my own Travis" I argue but he shakes his head. "No, you can't, because you're not allowed to lift your arms much yet."

He is right of course, I'm limited in what I'm allowed to do yet. Since I can't really lift my arms much, because I'm not supposed to and it hurts, I've been living in zip-up hoodies, and anything button-up since surgery. it's annoying but I don't have much of a choice at the moment. Hopefully, that will change soon, it can't be much longer before I'm at least allowed to lift my arms long enough to put on a shirt of some kind, even with help. I'm sure Travis would be more than happy to lend me a hand.

We step into the bathroom, and he starts to help me strip out of my clothes after turning on the shower. I cringe as my chest gets exposed and he gets to see how awful I look. I haven't even dared to take a look yet, too scared of what I might see. I wish he didn't need to see it, that he would never see it. the scars, the dips where my breasts used to be, how I have a flat chest now. he might not admit it to me, but I know he used to love my boobs. Every time we had sex he would worship them, now there is nothing left to suck on.

"Travis don't look" I choke on my words as he takes in my chest for the first time, really taking a good look. My body cringes away from him, wanting to find an escape anywhere else. I can't possibly be attractive to him now, I'm damaged. I don't look like the woman he fell in love with, is broken. "I'm ugly," I say and wipe away a stray tear from my cheek. It's a vulnerable position to be in, exposed like this for the first time.

"nonsense beautiful. God, you're gorgeous. Your body has changed but that doesn't change how I feel about you, it doesn't change how beautiful you are" he says and reaches for me, but I cringe away, "you're just saying that because you love me."

"Sure I love you, fuck I love you more than anything in the world. But that doesn't mean I'm blind. You're a fighter Taylor, I'm endlessly impressed with you. things are changing, and your body changed, but that doesn't define your beauty. The scars are a sign of a battle you're on your way to winning" he ignores my reluctance and steps closer to me, pulling me against his chest.

"do you want to take a look? I'll be here with you" he asks, and I take a moment to think about it. am I ready to see what I look like now under my clothes, exposed? I don't know if there is a timeline here that I am supposed to follow. Is there even a right time to allow yourself to take in your new body? Should I wait until the scars have faded more? Ignore it a little longer? Or take the leap into seeing what my new reality is like? It's not a choice anyone can make for me, it's up to me and Travis gives me the room I need to think.

Don't be a coward Taylor, you can do this. It's just a look, and you can look away right away if it's too much. I'm known for many things, but none of them are being a coward, that's for sure.

I nod against his chest and let him turn me around towards the mirror as I close my eyes. This is a moment I won't get twice, seeing what came out of a life-altering surgery. The surgery is a step along the way to save my life, but it also took something from me. I know they are just boobs, it shouldn't matter so much, but for me it does. I've had body issues for years, it's something I've struggled with a lot. So this, facing a change I couldn't control is making my heartbeat so hard I can hear it in my ears like an erratic beat.

I'm not a coward, I can do this. To get through this treatment I need to pull out every ounce of strength I have, it's the only way I'm going to survive the battle of my life, for my life. there is no room for me to be weak, to ignore it, or to run away from it. facing things head-on is what's going to take me a step on the road to recovery. I'll be damned if I let this take away more than it already has, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't want to sob my eyes out from what I've lost, and what I will lose moving forward. Treatment takes a lot from you, some parts you will never get back the same as before, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

"come on beautiful, open your eyes. You can do this. I'm right here" Travis says and runs his hands down my arms, offering comfort from behind me.

I take a deep breath before opening my eyes and seeing my naked body in the mirror. My eyes immediately drift to my chest, wanting to get it over with. "No" I whimper as I see the aftermath, what is left with. Two ugly scars, no nipples, and dips inward where my boobs used to sit. One thing is knowing what was done to me, another thing is to see it right in front of me.

"it's okay, you're okay beautiful" Travis wraps his arms around me, bringing my back against his front. "I'm ugly," I say as more and more tears flow down my face. "how can I ever face the public like this" I gasp as I try to suppress the sobs that want to escape without success. The sobs take over my body and everything tenses which hurts. It's a pain I welcome, the physical pain is easier to deal with than the emotional turmoil I'm going through.

"beautiful, take a deep breath. Come on, I know you can. take deep breaths for me" he whispers in my ears, and I try to follow the steady rhythm of his breaths. It's hard to gain back control when I feel like mine has slipped through my fingers.

"how can you even look at me and not be disgusted" I whisper as I gain back control of my breath, but the tears don't stop flowing. How can he tell me that this is beautiful when I feel the ugliest, I ever felt? I never want to see this again; I never want to face my body again.

"Because I love every part of you. nothing is disgusting about you, mind or body. Things are different now; your body has changed, and I know you feel like you're losing control, but I know you can get through this. I admire your strength, even if you feel like you have none yourself right now. the scars will fade, and you can choose to do something about it later If that's what you want. Just know that I will love you regardless and worship your body no matter what. This doesn't define you, or your beauty" he kisses my neck and I let myself take in his comfort.

He is saying all the right things, but I don't know if I can believe him if I can let myself believe that he truly finds me attractive still. It could all be a ruse, right? Him pitying me? but a part of me knows that he would never lie to me either. A long time ago I had to learn to accept my body for what it was meant to be, but this is going to be harder than that ever was, I'm sure of that. it's like what I felt confident in was ripped away from me and I need to start all over again. I don't know if I have the strength to do it, even though I know I have no choice.

"let the tears out, I've got you. you're safe and you're loved. Nothing about that has changed even as your body changed. You're the love of my life and will always be that. you're everything and I would never look at your battle scars with anything other than awe at your strength Taylor Alison Kelce"