Permanent Rebellion

Another Life

POV: Ace

Lucifer and I managed to get Adam back home to the estate. Nurse imps surrounded him and took him to the infirmary. I rubbed my face, exhausted from the over excursion of my powers. Lucifer held the notebook and the backpack in his arms. There was a haunted look in his eyes, he didn't say anything but gave me the notebook without a word, then left down the hallway to his workshop. I took it in my lap and felt the curiosity deep in me as I got up on wobbly legs.

I made my way to the training room and closed the door behind me, going to leave against the mirror wall. I winced a little as I found my spot on the mats. I looked down at the notebook, it looked like it belonged to Adam for a while, band stickers and scribbled doodles on the cover of it. I opened it and felt something unsettle in my stomach. This was a journal...Where Adam put his personal thoughts that he didn't disclose with us.

I turned to the first entry, it being the time when everyone found out about my deal with Vox. My eyes glossed the page and I ran a hand through my hair.

I don't get why Ace fucking does shit like this. I get it, he wants to do shit by himself but seriously?
Why does he never come to us for help?! I'm not some fucking weakling...I still have powers...fuck...
What good am I? I couldn't do any fucking thing right....maybe he was better off? I would have made shit worse
Yeah...I would have...like always...between my temper...and my mouth...fuck me...

I sighed turning to a few more pages in, this one being from after the Valentino incident. I leaned my elbow on my knees, holding my head as I read.

What the fuck Lucifer! This is way beyond what Ace wanted! Why do I keep being left in the fucking dust!?
And working with that radio freak! Not even come to me? Why the fuck am I even here? For Ace right? For Luci?...now even for Charlie and the gang? It'd be better off if I was gone at this rate...I miss Eve...I miss my boys...but even Lucifer said..they are gone in the wind...not even the King can find them...What would of happened if I died instead of Lute?
The exterminations would still have happened most likely...
Lucifer and Ace on their own...probably the end of the Hotel...
One of them probably would have made a deal with that radio freak regardless...
Fuck me...

I sniffled a little and read a few more pages. Sorrow, pain, memories of Eden...after Eden...all written down by the First Man. I turned to the final 2 pages. I saw one addressed to Lucifer and then one addressed to me. I covered my mouth letting out a shuddered breath.

Ace:
By the time you find this, I'm probably dead...for good this time. I know, I'm a fucking idiot but you need to understand, this is the only way I can be the man everyone wants me to be. My whole existence, I've been a burden to others, nothing but dead annoying weight that can't amount to anything. Back in Eden, I brought you down, you were tortured, kept as a fucking prisoner FOR ME. You took that shitty deal and that was all my fucking fault. Don't fucking argue, I can feel you're about to...even through the paper.
Listen, I love you so fucking much, that it ends up hurting you instead...everytime I think I'm helping it fucking backfires on us...on Lucifer too...I will always be a fuck up both in the eyes of heaven and hell, just look at my descendants...look at my kids...look at Eve...she didn't deserve the hardships we went through...why would I put yall through that huh?
You made me so strong, you opened my eyes to heaven's bullshit...they never cared about me...Sera just used me as a poster boy..Lute though...she was a true friend but couldn't see past her engrained biases...
Fuck, you got me crying...I fuckin love you...I hope you know that...I've been a fucking coward my whole life...and even afterlife, I blamed you and Lucifer for my short comings...and that was shitty of me to do...I don't deserve the love and care you give me with such gentle hands...
Tell Charlie she's a fucking amazing person for me will ya? That hotel of her's will do great...with or without me. And Vaggie...fuck I failed her too didn't I? Well tell her she still fucking rocks and a total baddie...I'm rambling...
Fuck Ace...I just wanna feel your kiss one last time...feel your gentle hands on my face...I...I'm sorry...

Yours Eternally,
Addy

I felt my throat close up a bit, breathing becoming hard. Sobs racked my body as I threw the notebook away from me, as if it burned my hands holding it. I don't even want to read Lucifer's...that look in his eyes before heading to the workshop...he must be blaming himself hard...and locking himself up...I coughed and felt bile run up my throat. I covered my mouth and opened the little attached bathroom of the training room, just making it to the toilet as I violently threw up.

My body trembling hard as I finished, I wiped my mouth and nose with a piece of toilet paper before flushing it. Raw emotions ran through me. Sorrow...guilt...pain...and suddenly anger...the type of blind anger that has no rhyme or reason to it. I got up on shaken legs and grabbed the notebook, ripping out the page made for me, crumpling it up and throwing it. I let out a pure scream of rage, throwing equipment and my stereo across the room, I panted hard, leaning on my knees glaring at my reflection. I made my way to the mirror wall and clenched my fist, screaming as I punched it with all my might, it shattering to pieces. My fist dripping gold inchor, glass pieces lodged into my knuckles and hand.

I sniffled, the anger subsiding and just hopelessness taking home in my chest. I glanced back down at the crumpled paper. I picked it up and shoved it in my pocket before shuffling out of the room, down to the infirmary. My hand throbbing something fierce. As I entered the room, one of the nurse imps came up to me and inspected my hand and wrist. She led me to a bed and started working on taking out all the mirror shards, disinfecting the cuts as she did. I glanced away and my eyes landed on Adam, there were tubes and shit coming from him, the nurses monitoring him strictly due to the circumstances.

"Does your wrist hurt Mr. Ace?" she asked me. I nodded a little. "You may have sprained it in the process, I'll put it in a brace for now okay?" Her voice gentle and kind. I again just nodded as she finished up with me, putting a wrist brace on me. I sat there on the bed as the nurse imp went back to her usual duties. "You are welcome to stay with him as long as you'd like" she said before leaving me there.

I sighed and pushed the bed I was on next to Adam's, being careful not to knock anything over as I laid on the bed. I stared at his face, memorizing all of his face. The slight chub to his cheeks, the bags under his eyes that never seemed to disappear with even the right sleep, the freckles that traced over his nose and cheeks almost like constellations, the calmness of his expression. I slowly reached over and took his hand in mine across the pushed together beds. I held my hurt wrist to my chest and closed my eyes, hoping to get any resemblance of sleep.

POV: Lucifer
I sat in the corner of my workshop, rolling through emotion after emotion. Adam's fucking journal and letter to him...I was too fucking prideful to let him in...what kind of fucking lover was I? I shot him down so many times, thinking he couldn't handle it but it just made shit worse...I need to grow a fucking pair...all my bullshit bounced off and struck him hard. One line of that fucking letter stuck with him.

"I forgive you for Eden...for Lilith...for Eve...for that dumb apple...for Cain...for Abel...for all the exterminations upon your people...our people...my descendants...I'm sorry for Ace...I'm fucking sorry for all the pain and hurt I put you through all this time...I was arrogant...loud and brazen...nothing but a spoiled child who got his toys taken away...nothing more than a fuck up...I always loved you...even after you left with Lilith...I hated sure but my love for you never disappeared from my heart...Lucifer...thank you..."

I let out a hard sob curling into myself. I suddenly heard loud smashing and banging, screaming, shattering. I got up and wiped my face. Fuck...did Ace transform? I rushed out of my workshop and down the hall leading to the training room. The door was ajar, I pushed it open cautiously and peeked in. It was like a storm hit it, stuff thrown everywhere and broken. I walked in and looked around the room, Ace not in here. I looked down at the notebook on the floor, leaning over and picking it back up, noticing the last entry ripped out. That must of been his letter to Ace...I let out a sigh and then spotted the gold blood on the mats.

I looked up and saw one of the mirrors of the walls shattered completely, gold blood covering the pieces. I sighed and held the notebook to my chest walking out. Knowing Ace, he went to the infirmary. I slowly made myself over there, my mind foggy. When I opened the door, one of the nurse imps smiled and bowed to him. "Your majesty, they are both in the room over there" she pointed to where the beds lay, past the privacy divider. I nodded and made my way there, and let out a sad chuckle at them. Ace pushed his bed flush with Adam's, their hands intertwined, both sleeping soundly. Ace's wrist was in a brace and wrapped in bandages.

I sighed placing the notebook on the little nightstand before taking a seat behind Ace, putting a strand of hair behind his ear gently. I leaned back and stayed with them until I too fell asleep.