Just Friends (Dan Howell)

Chapter Forty-Nine

"Hey, Lillette, you coming?"

The party was over. People were leaving. Jenny and Phil, arm in arm, were heading back to the hotel.

"No, I think I'll stay a while, if it's all the same to you," I murmured.

"Lillette, it's like 3 am!" Phil cried.

"I know," I said. "I won't be long. Just want some time to clear my head."

Jenny shot me a slightly disapproving look, but headed towards the door. They passed Dan, who was coming from the bathroom.

"We're heading back, wanna come?" Phil asked.

Dan looked like he was about to yes, but then he glanced past Phil and saw me, standing out on the patio, my arms folded in front of me. "I'll be along," he said.

Phil shrugged, and he and Jenny left. Tyler Oakley and Ian from Smosh were helping Anthony out. Jack and Finn from JacksGap said goodbye to us, then headed out.

Now it was just me and Dan.

I looked up at the stars. I knew Dan was behind me. "You didn't need to stay," I told him.

"Of course I didn't need to," Dan said, coming to my side, tilting his head up to watch the sky. "But I wanted to."

"Why?" I wondered.

"Because I can't stand the thought of you being alone."

We stayed in silence, just listening to each other breath. A small white streak flashed across the dark canvas.

"Make a wish," I murmured.

I tilted my head slightly and saw Dan, his eyes shut tight. He was actually making a wish.

I looked back up and saw a constellation I recognized. I pointed. "Orion."

"How do you know?" Dan asked me curiously.

"His belt," I replied. "Those three stars close together. He's one of the easiest constellations to recognize because of his belt."

"I never learned astrology," Dan said, rubbing the back of his neck.

I smiled slightly.

"Hey, Lillette?" Dan asked suddenly. "Where do you think we go when we die?"

I was a little startled by the question. "I dunno, Dan."

"Where do you want to go when you die?"

"Well," I said slowly. "In my mind, when we die, our souls leave our bodies. We are free from the weight of worries and stress. Our souls fly upwards and shine so bright with freedom that we become stars. Our souls remain over the earth, watching all of humankind for the rest of time... forever in a peaceful bliss, no worries, no issues...."

"Your heaven sounds beautiful," Dan said quietly.

"Are you okay?" I asked, eyes still fixed on the sky.

"I'm fine," Dan said. "Aside from the not sleeping... the jumpiness... crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen...."

"Oh, Dan...." I breathed. I stepped closer and put my arms around him, hugging him tight. He hugged me back, his chin on top of my head. He sighed shakily.

"Dan, what happened?" I whispered into his shirt.

"I've just been thinking about my past," Dan said, his voice fragile, like glass. "About how horrible life was until I found YouTube. And I think, I had one childhood. And it was ruined. Forever. I'll never live that again, and I wasted it trying to fit in." He sniffed. "I just wish I had a second chance, you know? I wish I knew then what I know now."