"I don't wanna go there We should never go there Damn, why you wanna go there? I guess I gotta go there" - Chris Brown
ANT
We've been in my therapist's office for about an hour. A lot of shit came to light. I watch as Jessica cries in her hands. "I don't know, Johnathan... I don't know why I'm so mad all the time." Jessica mumbles. "You have so much self hate and you are so insecure to where you take that out on any and everyone." my therapist, Johnathan says. I got a male therapist cause almost every time I get a female therapist, I end up wanting to fuck her and I'm damn sure not gone try to fuck a nigga. Plus, Jessica gets along with niggas way better.
"Am I correct? You hate yourself, correct?" Johnathan asks, taking notes and studying Jessica's behavior. "I do." Jessica finally admits. "You are very beautiful and I can tell you're a really lovely lady. What reason do you have to hate yourself?" he asks. I pull her in my arms as she cries harder. "Get the fuck off me, Ant." she snaps at me, pushing me away. "I'm tired of you pretending like you give a fuck about me! I can't sit here and pretend like I'm happy and like I ain't hurting! Just leave me alone, please." she adds, catching me off guard.
"Jessica, calm down. You have to stop doing that. You have so much anger built up inside of you. You have to allow your husband to be there for you. Do not push him away, let him help you." Johnathan says. "For what? His ass is the reason I'm hurt and stressed anyway." Jessica says.
He writes something down then looks at her. "Something you said earlier was very interesting. You said every time you're hurt, you want to have sex." Johnathan says. She nods her head. "I do. Because I feel safe and like nothing matters in that moment. The pleasure takes my mind off of all of the pain so sex is the first thing I go for. When Ant hurts me bad enough, I'm honestly somewhere riding my baby daddy's dıck to forget everything." Jessica says.
She so fucking blunt. "Have you been raped?" he asks her. I look down at my feet. She doesn't say anything. "Jessica, have you been raped or molested at a younger age?" he asks again. She bites her bottom lip then slowly nods her head yes.
"Do you mind sharing that information with me? You have to get that off your chest, Jessica. It's the first step to helping you." he says. I reach over and grab her hand as it shakes. She starts staring at the wall. "Jessica, talk." I say. She looks at Johnathan. "When I was a kid, I was a foster child. The first family that adopted me were terrible. The man who adopted me used to touch on me... he used to tell me that I was pretty." she starts, wiping her eye. "He'd make me take baths with him and every time, he'd finger me. And if I cried or threatened to tell it, he would beat me and stomp me. Over time, I got used to being touched by him and his friends. He'd eat me out and stuff... I was a little girl, I'd rather not say my age but I was really a baby. One night he..." she looks down as her words trail off. I never heard this story before at all. She starts crying hard. "One night he was drunk and he made me drink it too. He tried to put his dıck in my mouth. He told me that all I am is a hoe ass bitch with a pretty face. He got on top of me and he put the tip of it in me and I screamed so loud and bit him. He took the tip out then threw me into the wall and beat the shit out of me until I wasn't even recognizable. When he fell asleep, I ran away and slept at my school. My principal saw me and long story short, I was put back in the system. When my other foster mom adopted me, everything was okay for a little while. She was on drugs but she didn't bother me. Around the time I turned fourteen she got married. She would beat on me and burn me and shit because he thought I was pretty. Honestly, by that time, I was already fucked up from my past and I didn't even care. Every time they hurt me, I was in a nigga's face trying to at least get a hug or some head cause that's what made me feel better. I was used to different niggas feeling on me and touching me so I was never bothered. I felt accepted when I let boys touch on me then. I was so mean and angry. I hated myself and everybody. When I turned sixteen, I met Ant. He did me wrong and I may sound crazy but other than my kids, he's the best thing that ever happened to me because back then, I swear I didn't have nobody but myself and in a sick, twisted way, he brought me so much happiness. After I had our twins, my foster dad råped me. Before then, I started caring about myself just a little because my other baby daddy would always uplift me and he knows all of this and never judged me for it. Well, after my foster dad did that to me, I lost it. I haven't really cared about myself since, I just do whatever that makes me happy. I try to hide how unhappy I am because of my kids but I'm just falling apart. I hate myself so much because I know I'm what everybody say I am. Look at my past, Johnathon. Just look at me." she sobs.
I wipe my eyes a lil bit, feeling a couple of tears of anger fall out. She never told me but she told Montana bitch ass. That's some bullshit. Johnathon continues to write as she cries. "Why this the first time I'm hearing all that?" I ask her. "Don't start." she mumbles. "Most sex addicts become addicted because of what happened in their past. This may be the case here." he finally says. "I just wanna be helped, okay? Cause the shit I'm doing is not okay. I want better for myself, Johnathan. If you can't help me, just tell me now and I'll stop wasting your time." she says. "I can and I will." he says.
"Is it anything else you'd like to say?" he asks her. She stands up. "Why am I even here? I can't even help myself, how can you? God, I'm so stupid." she says, grabbing her purse. "You have a serious abandonment issue and many other issues and I will help with each and every one of them." he says. "No you won't. Fuck it. I'm stupid for trying." he says. "No you are not. Please, sit." he says. She breaks down crying then sits down. "I don't value myself at all... so why am I here for help?" she sobs.
"You really don't think you pretty?" I ask her. She grabs her purse, then walks out. I look at Johnathan. "What do I do?" I ask. "Go home and wait on her hand and foot. Remind her of how beautiful she is and how much she means to you every chance you get. Do not take ten steps back, continue to take your medication, and encourage her to come back for our session Thursday." he says. I nod my head then walk out. She probably don't want my ass no more but I'll still try.
JESSICA
I'm leaning against Ant's car waiting for him to walk out. I feel all the pain all over again. I never wanted to relive that. He walks out, wiping his eyes. "The hell you crying for?" I ask him. "I ain't crying, a chip of paint from the wall got in my eye." he says, making me laugh a little.
I slide in the passenger seat. He closes my door for me then walks over to his side. "So... What we gone do, Jessica?" he asks. "Nothing. I'm going on a vacation by myself. Don't ask where cause I'm not telling anybody." I say. It's what I need. I don't want to leave my kids but they'll probably be happy. They won't be ashamed of me and stuff like that. I just need to go for a while.
"You gone tell me something, Jessica." he says "No I'm not." I say. "If you gone leave, do it the right way. Don't leave without saying bye to the kids and you gotta at least tell somebody something." he says. "I will. I'm taking them with me, change of plans." I say, making my eyes widen. They deserve a break from this mess too.
NOBLE
"Noble, all I want is you to take me back." my ex, Quita whines in my face. I agreed to meet her here at the mall. Uncle Vonte dropped me off. "Why would I do that?" I ask. "Because I love you." she says. "I'm sure you do." I say.
My eyes trail off to a fat ass. "That's my auntie Diamond." I mumble to myself, watching her walk with a nigga that's definitely not uncle Darius. I walk over to her. "Who is this, auntie? Where my uncle at? You out here being a hoe?" I ask her.
She looks at me crazy. "Your uncle is cheating on me and don't think I know so I'm having my own damn fun. This my new man, Quan." she introduces him. He stares at me for a second. I grin a little then shake my head. "Auntie, you don't even know who this weak ass nigga is." I say.
"Watch your mouth, Noble." she demands. "For what? His pussy ass got problems with my dad cause he want my momma. But aight, bitch. When shit hit the fan and you get caught up, don't be shocked when you get dealt with for fucking with the opps." I say, then walk away. Just wait until I tell Montana this.
I'm real close to Montana and I usually know the lil small details and some wild shit is about to happen. Diamond is fucking up and I can't wait to tell my uncle Darius so he can prepare himself for her death if she don't get her act right.
Comment 35
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just something quick cause I got shit 2 do. Next one might be a lil longer
