Napapasong tinulak ko si Ram.
Taimtim ko itong tinitigan, hilam na hilam ang mukha, nananakit ang katawan. At pagkatapos ng ilang segundo ay pumasok na ako sa loob ng kwarto. Agad na sumunod siya sa akin. Napatigil ako sa kalagitnaan ng kwarto.
Ram was the one who locked the door. I watched his tall frame go rigid as he looked at me. Mula ulo hanggang paa.
"Leave," I softly commanded.
Ito na ang pinakamababa at pinakapangit kong estado. Ito ang bersyon ko ng sarili na hindi ko kayang iharap sa iba, ang bersyong dinurog at binasag. I hope this version of myself satisfied whatever craving you searched for a long long time. So, leave me.
Ram immediately charged towards me. His large hands found my shoulders and held me tightly. Halos umangat ang buo kong katawan dahil doon.
"What happened to you? Who did this?" He flinched as he touched my arm. Puno iyon ng karmot.
"Does it matter, Ram? What will you do then?" I looked down, eyes starting to sting my whole face once again.
"Fuck! It does to me, Chrissy! Who fucking did this?" Ram was so fucking frustrated.
"Paano kung sinabi kong si Yllana ito? Tatahimik ka ba at magkukunwari ulit? Dahil iyon naman ang lagi mong ginagawa, 'di ba? Ang itanggi ako at ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo!" I shouted, tears streaming down my face.
"Damn it! Not in my life! Iyon lang ang ginusto ko buong buhay ko pero ayaw ibigay sa akin! Now, si Yllana ang gumagawa nito? Sino pa?"
"Your whole life, Ram? Your whole life of lying to me! Your whole life of trying to hide me! Your world might be of the biggest, richest ones but the truth was its suffocating! Bakit nang ako ang ginawa mong mundo mo ay naging masikip at masakit para sa akin?"
"That was my mistake years ago. Pinagsisisihan ko iyan hanggang ngayon, Chrissy. Yes! I obeyed the plans laid out for me, thinking I'll move on but guess what? Ito pa rin tayo! Ito pa rin ako! Ikaw pa rin!"
"Ako pa rin! Ako pa rin ang hindi mo kayang ipagsigawan sa mundo! Nothing can ever change that I loved a coward! Ako ang nangunguna at tumatanggap ng sakit para sa ating dalawa! And you know what? Its okay to me! I fucking love you that much! Its fucking okay but atleast try to fight! Even just a bit because I'm too exhausted right now! Look at me..."
Para akong yayanigin sa mga emosyong tumatakbo sa mga mata ni Ram, at ang alam kong ang akin ay wasak na wasak na. Together, ours was the different sets and kinds of disastrous calamities.
"Do I looked loved? Because if that's the case, your love is exhausting, selfish, angry. Too toxic. Nagpapakatanga na lang ako," I bit my lips angrily.
"Chrissy...don't say that please...let's get you cleaned up..." Nagkaroon ng panic sa mga mata ni Ram. Nagsimula siyang lumakad patungo sa akin, mga mata'y nagsusumamo ngunit umiling ako.
"I could get any man that I want but its you, Ram, always you. So why wasn't it always me? Every night, I ask myself, why wasn't it me? Bakit puro si Yllana na lang? Sana ay ako naman..." Kahit sandali, matikman ko lang ang lasa nang ipinaglaban.
Pinagdaop ko ang aking mga palad sa kaniyang harapan, astang nagdadasal. My fingertips touched my lips as I let him see all of me.
Its true, wasn't it? Na ako iyong naiinggit kaya ako nagkakaganito?
"Yes, its my fault. If you're like this, if you think like this. Its my failure alone, Chrissy. But that doesn't mean that I'll stop. Let me..." Inabot ni Ram ang aking mukha at kinawit ang mga takas na buhok sa aking tainga.
