Habang pauwi na sa Cebu ay iyon lamang ang nasa isip ko, ang pagtatalo namin ni Yllana. I couldn't say her own version of the truth didn't hurt me a bit, nor bothered me the least. But the hardest pill to swallow was the fact that she chose her truths on my expense.
Sa lahat ng mga nangyari ay hindi ko kayang magalit sa kaniya dahil kapatid ko siya at naniniwala akong naging bulag din siya sa mga nangyari. Kung maaari ay gusto kong ayusin ang lahat hindi lang sa aming dalawa pero sa mga pamilya na rin namin.
What happened earlier was beyond me. I never thought she could think so ill of me that I'd result to be what she accuses me of. Dahil hindi ko iyon nagawa sa kaniya, hindi ibig sabihin ay hindi niya rin gagawin sa akin.
Yllana held my childhood trauma against me. My loneliness as a child, all my pain and suffering, and even my depressing teenage years of running away from home. She believed so strongly that those were my reasons and, that it caused her family to rupture and her only love to slip away from her. I, her blood, the product of sin, was the root of all evil.
And what would you do if this creature still roams on the surface of the Earth?
Ang paniwalain ito sa kaniyang mga pagkatalo at pagkasira sa buhay, at hindi na ito makakatakbo pa sa problemang bata pa lamang ay tinatakbuhan na. She even scheduled a fucking therapy.
All my life I looked up to her. She helped me through so many times that all I wanted to give her was my respect as a sister, and as a woman.
Naaawa lamang ba siya sa akin noon kaya niya ako tinutulungan at kinakampihan? Or did she share her toys and dresses to me out of boredom? Awa at kahinaan ko na lamang ba?
Did she ever even thought of me as her sister, a human being that also feels and loves, and not just some sad story she can share to someone?
Buong araw akong nasasaktan dahil sa nangyari.
Pagkauwi sa bahay ay kakaibang pagod ang naramdaman ko. I could feel my eyelids drooping as I made my way towards the kitchen. Sinundan ako kaagad ni Nanang Thelma.
"Oh, Chrissy, ginabi ka! Nakauwi ka na pala. Nagkita na ba kayo ng Papa mo?" tanong niya habang umiinom akong tubig.
"Kadarating ko lang po, 'nang. Aakyat na po ako."
"O siya, sige. Ipapaakyat ko na lang ang hapunan mo. May gusto ka bang ipaluto?" She was out of earshot by the time I could even think of a response.
Tinungo ko muna ang kwarto ni Papa. Dahan-dahan ako sa pagbukas ng pinto dahil baka nagpapahinga na ito. Ginabi rin kasi ako ng uwi dahil hapon na noong nakaalis. Mamaya ko na lang tatanungin ang mga kasambahay kung nakainom na ba siyang gamot.
I slowly opened the wooden door just to see my father sleeping peacefully on his side of the bed. Patay na ang mga ilaw ngunit sapat na ang liwanag na nagmumula sa labas galing sa mga nagpapatrolya. Marahan ang paghinga, at bahagyang nakaawang ang bibig. He looked so calm as if the world itself lives in tranquility.
Papa, if your heartbreak still haunts me up to this day after years and years, how did you endure during that time?
Kung ako na anak mo ay sobra na ang hinagpis ngayon, paano ka pa noong mga oras na ang taong inaakalang mong kasangga mo sa lahat ay mas gusto nang ulit bumuo ng pamilya kasama ang iba?
I heard how you fought for me to live eventually even if you both did not want me at first. You were the one who pursued with the pregnancy while I fought too in the womb of my mother. That was my first fight, but technically, our first fight together. Amongst our fights against each other that followed soon.
I wish I could just rest. This world was too cruel to you and to me. And I am so terribly tired of everything.
Pagod na akong ipaglaban kung ano ang gusto ko dahil hindi ba? Kapag ang sa atin ay sa atin talaga, hindi na dapat natin ipaglalaban pa? Things will fall into our hands naturally without trying. And what must be ours will be ours without having to hurt someone. In the honor of our Father, what is for us will be given in peace and in sincerity.
