Crossed Lines

25.

"Because I'm in love with you"

You see, I hadn't said the words out loud. They were at the tip of my tongue and if my mouth worked a second faster than my brain, I would've said it. I'm shocked and beyond freaked out.

I hadn't planned on saying that any time soon. You see as unbelievable as it sounds- I have never told any boyfriend of mine that I loved them. I have never fallen in love with anyone. There might have been a time when I thought I was close to falling in love with an ex- but I just never had it in me to fall in love. I value the term, it's beyond strong and meaningful, and If I had said it before, I would've lied.

The mere thought that I almost blurted it out to a guy I only met a few months ago, and it almost happened while we were arguing, on the verge of breaking up. Not quite how I thought it would be.

We're both silent. Do I even love him? Hell, I haven't even confessed that to my myself yet, but yet I almost said it. I wish I could take back the thought, but I can't. He's looking at me but all signs of anger and frustrations are gone, his facial expression is crossed between weary and a little defeated?

I take a good look at him and I realize that I do love him, wholeheartedly. He's everything I'd ever want and more. I've only met him a few months ago but as I look into his beautiful face, I can't imagine my life without him. I feel as though the word 'love' does not describe how I truly feel. It feels as though my heart is about to burst. He's perfect, and my heart tells me that I could never want another man as much as I want him, as much as I need him, maybe that's why he's the first guy I've ever loved.

My palms grow sweaty as the silence lingers between us and I can tell he's struggling to come up with words. My heart sinks as I realize that I can't tell him, he might not feel the same. In fact, I doubt he does. I start to doubt my own feelings. Do I really love him? is this what it feels like? I'm overwhelmed and emotional and I just want this day over with so that I can return to my warm and welcoming bed.

"I'm all in Zayn. I don't want to lose you." Is what I settle for as I fasten the seatbelt. He opens his mouth but closes it soon after. I push the urge to cry out of frustration for my own unresolved feelings. as I stare out to the window and the revelation starts weighing on me. Isn't love supposed to feel better than this, free? But somehow I have a feeling of wanting to hide my feelings, keep them where no one can find them. Where no one can ruin them.

"Good. I don't want to lose you either." I doubt his words have the same meaning as mine.

I know that it may be too soon to be exchanging the 'L' word and I can't blame him for not feeling the same. Yes, I'm disappointed but I realize that we don't choose when we fall in love. It just happens and when we do it's great. I just wish the timing was better. When we weren't on the verge of giving up.

I want to punch him for making me feel this way so soon but then I want to kiss him because of how I feel. It's frustrating. As we sit here in somewhat awkward silence, I can't help but fall deeper. It hits me like a ton of bricks and the urge to cry resurfaces but once again, I push it down. I feel vulnerable.

"I mean it, can we go now?" he's still staring at me so I lean over to kiss his cheek, reassuring him that everything's fine.

"Baby." He says huskily. He grabs my neck, stopping me from moving away as he kisses me deeply, the kiss is slow and he takes his time stroking my tongue with his. He groans as he pulls back. His eyes are dark with an emotion I can't describe. "Let's go before we're late." He takes my hand as he starts to drive.

The drive is completely silent, except for the soft music playing in the background. It's good to be silent because it gives me time to think about everything that happened today. It's a lot to take in but I pull myself together as we arrive at an Italian restaurant.