Crossed Lines

49.

After Zayn drives off, it starts to become real. The realization that maybe we aren't meant to be, that maybe this is goodbye. I can't fathom that him and I could ever be apart. It would be the greatest punishment given from God. To not have the one thing you love and want the most in this world. Or to have it temporarily. I can't think of a worse fate.

Then it's back to the normal routine. Work and more work. Monday is not a good day at all. Work can only distract you for so long. My heart feels as though it's being torn apart every second I don't talk to Zayn. I'm restless and anxious for him to make up his mind. On the other hand, I dread it. What if he decides that this is not what he wants and that we're done for good?

Tuesday is just plain torture. I still don't hear anything from Zayn and I'm getting worried. What if he doesn't know how to tell me that we're done. Well, technically we are "done" now but what if it's final. There'll be no more us and that scares the living shit out of me. I tell this to Cate as we sit on the barstool in the kitchen.

"Whatever's supposed to happen, will. If it doesn't, then you know it wasn't supposed to. Everything has a way of working out."

"I know I'm the one who broke it off. I can't help but wonder if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of life..."

"There's no way of knowing right now."

"It's just hard imagining what my life without him would be like. If it feels like what it felt like for those two weeks, then I..." I shake my head the thought. Too hard to even picture.

"You really love him, don't you?" I nod in agreement as a tear rolls down my cheek. "Oh honey..." Cate gives me a sympathetic look. I wipe the tears as they increase in speed and numbers.

"I've fallen in love with him, with everything about him. the good and the things that sometimes irritate me, but I secretly love it, like when he's being a caveman." I can't help but laugh a little at his antics. "He's everything Cate."

"You know I've had my doubts when it came to Zayn and your relationship. I've always thought you're too good for him. maybe I still do because heaven knows that man has played with your heart a few times." I try to interrupt but she hushes me quickly. "but he makes you happy."

"He does."

"Not a lot of people find that and most spend their whole lives searching for something you found already. Grab onto that. This only happens once in a lifetime. Don't throw it away for things that don't even matter." She stands up and she gives me a smile. She walks to her room and I'm left to my own thoughts.

She's right though. everything with Zayn felt right, even when it didn't. He felt like home. It felt like that's where I belonged. Anywhere else would feel wrong and forced. He's everything I want. Everything I need. I've been spending all this time looking at what's wrong and where the problems lie, that I overlooked all the good things. I was so caught up that I overlooked the important stuff. Sure, we have a lot problems that still need to be worked on. From trust issues to insecurities to whatever else is wrong with us. but it wouldn't be a real relationship if there were no problems or fights. Where's the fun in that?

I contemplate calling him a few times but I abandon that thought. I want him to think about it and make up his mind because I'm done playing games. I'm done waiting on him to finally feel the same. I know that we don't all fall in love at once, we don't always feel the same, at exactly the same moment but I, at least want him to feel something. It's okay if he doesn't love me. you can't force yourself to feel something, but I want him to decide whether this relationship is heading somewhere or not. If it is, then I'll wait for him and if it's not then we're done.