Tower Over Me (Waycest)

Chapter 22: What If I'm Not Strong Enough?

Mikey's POV
When Emerson pulls into our driveway he turns towards me and smiles.

"Is your room mate still awake?' He asks and I shake my head no as I press the pills between the waist of my pants and my skin.

"He's got a lot to do tomorrow, he's got this new job." I state as I undo my seatbelt and reach for the door handle. Emerson makes me slightly uncomfortable when he looks directly at me, it's like I'm ashamed around him, and that makes me nervous.

I feel the illness stirring inside of me, the headache that I know will never leave is starting to settle in.

"Keep me updated on how you're feeling. Text me, find an empty notepad somewhere, I know you have one, and I can give you instructions on how to set up a weight diary." I feel like a science project. I feel like an experiment.

I reassure myself, Emerson knows what he's talking about, he's invested in helping me, I mean come on, he gave me his medicine for Christ's sake.

I nod and push the door open, stepping out and looking at Emerson's empty eyes one last time before closing it. I am left in the cold and quiet Jersey night and I have a bottle of pills in my pants.

Wow Mikey, you're so strong!
Your recovery was amazing!
You're looking a lot healthier now!

The words people had been saying to me, the words that reminded me of fat and binging.

Wow Mikey, you're so weak!
Your recovery was false!
You're looking a lot heavier now!

The words ring out in my brain and make me feel dizzy as I head into the house.

I step onto the porch silently and pull the door back as quietly as I can. Emerson's headlights scan the yard as he turns out of the driveway, leaving total darkness behind him.

I shiver at the cold air, noting that most of the melted ice from the previous evening was now freezing over again.

The warmth from inside the house brushed over my skin as I step inside and manage to silently get the door shut and locked. I lean back against it and look at the living room.

There's a picture frame on the floor, and a few of the throw pillows are on the floor beside the couch. I feel jealousy rise inside of me as I think about the type of night Frank and Gerard must have had.

I make my way to my room and leave the light off as I step in. I want to lay in the dark, even though I can already tell there's no chances of me getting sleep,  I just want to think in peace for a few minutes.

Thoughts of the past two days rush through my mind as I slip up under the warmth of the covers, I close my eyelids.

I try to ignore how empty the bed feels without Gerard. I had only slept to him that one time last night on the couch, but I missed the extra warmth of his body already. He made me feel so protected, I fell asleep much faster in his arms than I have alone in a long long time.

I wish Gerard and I still shared a room, I don't think he knew how much I appreciated him just being near me. He never knew about the affection I held for him. At one point I embraced the feelings, I didn't express them, but I owned up to it all mentally.

I would think things about Gerard that brothers don't think about each other. I would notice things about him that brothers don't notice. And I guess all those times that I felt like the feelings were mutual, were moments of truth, because they are mutual, Gerard likes me too.

I am excited, and the thoughts of Emerson, and pills, and weight loss flee my mind for a moment. I feel like a butterfly taking flight, the thought of my beautiful brother lifts me from my bed, and floats me high into the night sky.

I appreciate the darkness in the room around me. I appreciate the emptiness of the bed and I appreciate the silence. I have an overwhelming sense of appreciation for this beautiful world, this beautiful world that I am stuck in, this beautiful world that makes me feel so ugly.

I wonder why I have to think this way, but I appreciate my mental state most of all tonight. I like the way these pills make me feel.

If I just point my mind in a nice direction, this may be alright, this could be easy. I could lie here like this for the rest of my life, and I can already tell avoiding these meals won't be half as hard as hiding this sickness will be.

I know how to do this, but I don't know how to do this without being noticed. Gerard is going to be watching me closer than ever soon, he already is, because we are on the verge of our future, the verge of our dreams.

I sigh, I don't feel like making the notebook, I want to cry honestly. I have no idea what I'm doing to myself or why, I was fine a few days ago, I ate meals without a problem, and I could look in the mirror and not be disgusted. When I got hungry I ate, and now, when I get hungry, I'm going to have to ignore it. I pull my phone out of my pocket and send a text to  Emerson.

Outgoing Message To Emerson:

What if I'm not strong enough?

My hands shake as I put my phone down on the bed beside me. I'm so scared, all of this change, all of this is effecting my future.

Two days ago, on January 17th, I didn't feel this way, I thought my future consisted of a small desk job, probably no house mate or lover,  I didn't imagine pills that weren't mine, notebooks full of weights and goals that will undeniably lead me to health problems. 

The thing is, if I know this is so wrong, stupid, and dangerous, why am I so damn determined to do it again?

Frank's POV
The sunlight shining through the window made my head hurt a little as I let my eyes flutter open.

I can tell immediately that I was still on top of Gerard, I would normally feel bad for not giving Gerard some space, but I wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could, because now I have to let go.

I can hear light footsteps upstairs, Mikey was probably getting his morning started. Maybe he was eating breakfast and Gerard's worries were all for nothing. I hope. I don't feel to good about leaving this situation while clouds are hanging over the Ways.

Things don't tend to go well for them, so slight disturbances often turn into very emotional losses. The family takes things so far, they have charming minds and mouths, they can make you feel so magical sometimes just by talking to you. In some cases it's a gift, in others it cases a lot of unwanted sadness and frustration.

I hope Gerard doesn't wake up anytime soon. I want to stay here as long as I can, but when he wakes up I can't show my want to stay, I want him to know that what he's doing is okay with me. I'm okay with the situation, but my heart doesn't really understand my mind to well. I don't tend to think with my heart, so I can't let it control a scenario as serious as this one.

I can feel my hopes slipping through my fingers. Marriage, our first house, old age, all of it, it's not going to happen. My stomach locks and twists repeatedly, I could cry, and there's no doubt that I will before the day is over, but not yet. I want to try to hold onto my emotions for as long as I can.

I wonder how Mikey is going to take all of this, I wonder if he's happy. He sounded a bit guilty on the phone the other day, he was sympathetic, but it's quite obvious that the Way brothers can hide their actual feelings quite well. Gerard's been doing it for a while now. 

I let out a few quiet and slow breaths. I can't help but wonder. 

What if I can't let go?

What if I'm not strong enough?