this is everything i didn't say

thirty-one

i used to think my biggest fear was wasting my teenage years
having to someday listen to everyone talk about all these amazing memories whereas all i came out of my teenage years with was a track record of depression and good music taste
but i think i was wrong
my biggest fear was always losing you
that you were going to finally see that everyone else was so much better than me and start to wonder why you ever chose me to begin with
i was absolutely terrified that one day you were going to wake up and see me exactly the way i saw myself and i guess i was right to think that because no matter how many times you reassured me you'd always be there for me you did exactly what i was always afraid of in the end
now i can't have a friendship with anyone without being absolutely scared to death that they're going to leave like you did because how am i supposed to believe someone who says they'll stay when you told me that for fourteen years and left anyway?
and people tell me the past won't repeat itself but i know it will someday because i am not enough for everyone and i understand that but god that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
someday someone will leave again and i hope with every fiber of my being that it isn't one specific person because if i lost her too i swear i'd shatter