this is everything i didn't say

one hundred

“and the writer’s block just will not die

sometimes i think of writing again but all that comes up is you and I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to take a trip down that road so i just

don’t

but

i don’t know how to write something without mentioning your name

don’t know how to write something about pain without flipping through the photo album of US

don’t know how to write something without pain anyway so

i guess if i can’t write about you I’ll write to you

here’s what I’ve been wanting to tell you

here’s the uglier side of missing you and what i didn’t put in the last poem

i said i wasn’t gonna write to you anymore but here i go again

and i wish you were here to tell me i was lying when people asked me how i was

the other day

because you would have known just what to do when

i had an anxiety attack over being in public without bracelets

texted my friend fifty times begging for her to bring a sweater that never came

you would’ve had one with you

you would’ve had something with you

you would’ve understood

i keep thinking about texting you again, wanna tell you about how I’ve been picking my skin raw again, wanna tell you how my mom

threatened to tell my dad

again

wanna tell you how it looks bad

again

and you would have noticed too, even if i didn’t say a word

and my sides

are caving in and i know this isn’t normal but i promise I’m not trying to do this it just happens and i don’t stop it fix it stop it in the first place I’m just so

gone. gone because you are too and

people talk about loss of loved ones and the grief that comes with it and i think i have a right to identify myself with them because

you’re not dead, but you’re not coming back either

so what are you

i don’t know

if you’ll ever see this but i just wanted you to know that i miss you

and i know

that i said it already but I’m missing you again and anyway

this writer’s block will the death of me

so I’m killing two birds with one stone

and thinking about how once upon a time

we would have joked about wishing to be the birds.”

missing you // k.