this is everything i didn't say

seventy-six

so much has changed

since you last saw me

back then, i had the mind of a mystery writer

and now, i have the heart of a poet

i used to obsess over the who, how, and why

but now i know exactly who you are

and i know how you hurt me-

by digging your fingers into every bruise

i worked so hard to cover over

and when you saw me wince, you simply made a joke about it

i've yet to understand the why, though

and not for lack of trying-

trust me, i have spent countless nights not sleeping

wondering what could have been wrong with me

that had not been there before

before when you loved me

before when you cared

and when you came to apologize, you tried to explain

tried to tell me that it wasn't me

we'd just grown up-

or apart, or, whatever it was that you said

that we'd made new friends-

except i hadn't,

i'd made one friend

and a few people i called my friends

that really weren't

or, maybe they were, but

i wouldn't know, since they never had time to see me

and i even made a couple enemies

but hey, you made friends

in my absence

so that's nice

maybe that's what made it easier for you

to do what you did

because you had others to fall back on

i was just another person in the group

the one that no one really wanted there anyway

so it didn't really matter if i left early,

or, didn't come at all

and it didn't matter that i had seniority-

over fourteen whole years of it

that didn't mean a thing

because they were all what i always wanted to be

but could only play at being.

so much has changed

since you last saw me

i am so used to making things

out of other things

that speaking is starting to sound

a bit like poetry

but maybe that's just when it's coming out

of certain people's mouths

and everything is inspiration

even the things that kill me,

especially the things that kill me

and your pictures with other people

are just reminders that i'm alone.

so much has changed

since you last saw me

and i'm sure you're expecting

the same person you left

but that is so far from the truth

i am still me

but a different version of me

me 2.0, without the bug fixes

that the original version had

and glitches and irregularities

that need to be fixed and patched-

maybe in my next update

if i ever get there

i am me with the same untamed hair

but less life behind my eyes

me with the same smile

but not as big

me with the same stick-thin figure

but maybe a bit more unnatural for my age

me with quite a few more bracelets

dark nail polish,

sleeping in band tees

because i need to be comforted

me with earbuds in

and music playing at all hours,

even when i'm sleeping

me who can't be separated from my necklace

or else i'll have an anxiety attack.

so much has changed

since you last saw me

and i'm afraid you'll notice the cracks.

so much has changed // k.