this is everything i didn't say

sixty-two

"and see, the thing about me is that i never delete any of my messages. i haven't changed my number either, so in case you were wondering, yes, i've got all our old messages. every last text that i'll never delete. and i know that everyone else likes to clear out their phone once in a while, but i could never bear to be without my memories, my timelines stretching back into old pictures and texts from years ago.
so yeah, i could probably tell you exactly when i started dressing different. could tell you exactly when i cut my hair, or when i started wearing too many bracelets. i could tell you when we had that conversation, could tell you the last thing you said to me before new years.
however.
what i can't tell you is what happened. what changed, and when exactly it was. because i've gone back through all our old texts but no matter how many times i do it i can't seem to figure out where i went wrong or where you stopped loving me.
there's gaps in our conversations at a certain point, times where i'd say i love you and you forgot to say it back; times where i needed you and you weren't there. but i've never been the leaving type and maybe i was too optimistic but i never really thought you'd leave.
now you're gone and it'll be a year this summer but i couldn't narrow down the timeline to a specific month and for some reason that's killing me, and i can't find the old screenshots with all the things you said about me behind my back, and trust me i've been hoarding messages and pictures for years but i can't seem to find evidence of what really mattered."