this is everything i didn't say

one hundred four

so the other night I had that dream again
the one where you were back with me for one last time
you know, the only thing I ever asked for-
okay, fine, that's not all I asked for, but it's all I was ever really going to get
I mean, I didn't get it, but that's besides the point-
I dreamed of us. of you. that's what matters here anyway
us. together. can you imagine that?
I remember most the way we looked at each other in the dream
locked eyes like it would be the last time
because somehow, even through the subconscious haze,
we knew
and we smiled at each other, and there was sadness behind our eyes
and it felt like old times
except this time it was the end
and we knew it was
and we smiled even though we knew it was the last day we'd have together
you linked your arm in mine and I held on to you like I never wanted to let go
because I didn't
and somehow our linked arms felt just like a hug-
the best kind of hug, the kind you've been needing for a long time
when I woke up I could still feel it
your arm linked in mine, your arms around me tight
as if to say "it will all be okay" in place of a goodbye
and I cried that day, I'm sorry
I know that the dream was a gift, in a way
a way to see you one last time
a way to say goodbye
but I've always had a hard time separating memories from feelings
and you knew that
so I know I should be thankful
and I am, I swear, you just hurt to think about, I'm sorry
look, things are different now-
getting better isn't all it's cracked up to be
and relapse is never pretty, I understand that now
sometimes things don't go away like they're supposed to
and sometimes you've gotta learn to live with them
look, I screwed up, and I'm sorry
I made a mistake that I'm still paying for and I'm working on fixing it but there's no pretty way to tell you that I relapsed
it was just a lapse in judgment, okay? a memory that ended up as a feeling that ended up as my teeth on my bottom lip
it wasn't a big deal or anything, I just thought you should know
because you knew how easy it was to go back to what hurts
old habits die hard, and I guess mine just aren't six feet under yet
but I'm fixing it, and it's important you know that too
because it's what you would have wanted. because it's what I'm trying to want
look, what I'm trying to say is I miss you. somehow it ended up like this but I guess that's how it always was with us anyway
and I know you aren't coming back. I know that.
but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget
you were one of the best things that ever happened to me
and the memories we shared will always mean the world
you're gone. I understand that. and I'm sorry.
I hope you still think about me-
being on the missing end is always lonelier when the other person isn't
so maybe at least we could miss each other together
and maybe it could be enough.

(sub)conscious // k.

psa i meant to write the stuff in the second part of this like a week ago and i just procrastinated but i'm okay now, so please don't worry or anything :):