this is everything i didn't say

seventy-nine

and you ask me why i'm always wearing that ugly black sweater

with every single one of my dresses

and my dad asked me if it was to hide all the bracelets i wear

because i know they're meant for a more casual occasion

and he wasn't completely wrong

but how do i explain this in a way

that makes me sound less crazy

how do i explain that when i switch from wristbands to bangles

and suddenly there's more of my wrist exposed

i can't help but hide

or that i don't want people to ask about my bracelets

and why there's so many

and how do i tell you that when i'm putting back on my wristbands

i do it as quickly as i can

because i can't stand the sight of my own wrists

and it's all in my head because there's nothing physically wrong with them

there's no cuts

no bruises, burns, or scars

they're just so blank and i think maybe

what sickens me so much

is that when i look at them all i can think of

are all the thoughts i've had that should never have crossed my mind

and about all the times i've wished that they were anything other than a blank canvas

and only stopped myself because of promises

or maybe just fear of getting caught

so it's always hard for me to come up with reasons

when people ask why i've got so many

or find a way to defend myself when my mom won't stop yelling

about how horrible they are

and how she hopes this is something i grow out of

you know, the bracelets, and those hideous boots, and all those black things i wear

but how do i tell her without sounding like a cliche

that this is not a phase, this is a coping mechanism

and so far it's been the most healthy one i've had

bracelets and bad thoughts // k.

side note: this isn't really meant to be good, or really "poetic" or anything, but it's honestly just something that's been on my mind that i felt i needed to write. i tried to format it sort of like a poem because i would have felt weird putting it here otherwise, like maybe it would have been too black and white to say out loud, but yeah, i'm aware that it sucks. it's all just kind of word vomit to be completely honest.