this is everything i didn't say

one hundred six

so I've got a bad habit of living in denial

covering over everything with a bandaid-fix

show me this hurt like painkillers

like the dull emptiness where it should be

and wondering how long I've got before it resurfaces

they say pain doesn't last forever

but neither does denial

and I'm never sure which will outlive the other

so I just hold on to both

when I go about my day pretending I am not carrying around this whole hospital's worth of painkillers

like I am not kept from buckling to my knees

simply by the morphine drip in my headphones

like I don't turn the volume up 'til I'm numb and barely breathing

on these days people think I am fine

people assume that if you can mask your pain with synthetic emptiness

then it must not be loud enough to hurt

I do not tell them that when the numb kicks in

I can smile, but never feel it

muscle movement with the senses dulled is little more than an imitation game

but I play it anyway

keep the pill bottles in my pocket and hope my family mistakes the rattling for this heart inside my chest

every other beat numb, and then gone, numb, and then gone, numb, and god help me I can't feel it-

but when it kickstarts it shatters-

or, feels like it

rattles in its cage when the numbness wears off

too heavy, too loose, too many sharp edges to slice my ribs open

so I choose numb

better to feel the empty chest than the scraping against my ribcage

better to fake the feelings than to let them overdose

painkillers // k.

a/n: if wattpad doesn't stop reformatting this freaking poem and adding in spaces where they don't belong I swear to god I'm gonna throw myself into the sun