this is everything i didn't say

one hundred five

8 things i want you to know-
1: i never once stopped loving you. i often wonder if you ever stopped loving me. i don't think you did, though. i think maybe you understand. i don't know- a girl can only hope.
2: i still have pictures up of us on my wall from the graduation last year and the photobooth at the shell factory. sometimes people ask me about why i leave them up even now that you're gone. i tell them the memories don't die. they are still reminders of better days. the good times didn't go with you.
3: i don't get much sleep nowadays. you'd yell at me for it if you were here. i keep staying up til 2 am for no good reason and it's ruining my life a little but i don't have plans on stopping. it reminds me of the day i told you i was so tired and you asked me if i was getting enough sleep. no one really asks me that these days.
4: i don't know if i ever told you, but i keep the note you wrote me that says "stay safe" behind the family photo on my headboard. i'm sure you can put together the significance of that, right along with the significance of why my picture frame hasn't had glass in it since last year. it's a reminder, of sorts. a warning.
5: i don't think i ever got to tell you this, but i found a name for the thing in my brain that makes me pick my skin raw all the time. it's a real disorder, it's not just me and these horrible scars anymore. there's others out there like me. it makes me feel less alone.
6: i'm beginning to think i might have adhd or add or something. i can't focus properly sometimes, and other times i can barely be pulled out of whatever i'm obsessed with. my short-term memory is so bad i could i could give my grandfather a run for his money, and i can literally never sit still. sometimes i'll lookup symptoms or take screening tests online, and the results always seem to come back pretty positive. but who knows if i'll ever get an actual diagnosis- you and i both know i was always terrible about that sort of thing.
7: i have to take my bracelets off for work. all of them. the night after my first day i had a full on breakdown over it when i got home. my fingers were shaking as I forced them back on- the ones i hadn't had to break to get off. i was up til all hours with my anxiety, and i piled on every bracelet i owned in a desperate attempt to calm it. i cried so hard and panicked so much my parents almost got me a therapist. i've figured it out since then, gotten my routine together, started being able to stand the sight of my own wrists a little longer. i'm not as panicked as i used to be, but i still refuse to be seen without my bracelets anytime i'm off the clock. they're still me. but i'm still me, too.
8: i have infinite things i wish i could tell you all about. we'd be here forever if i tried to recap my whole life in the months you've been gone. but i always think about telling you. you always understood.

7 things i don't want to forget about you/us-
1: the night of the grad party. you sent your little sister to get my sweater when i started to have anxiety, and you panicked with me when someone tried to touch my bracelets. you sat with me in a dark corner and tried to convince me to eat my cake even though eating made me nauseous, and you played me songs when i broke down on the car ride home. then we made hot chocolate in mason jars. we stargazed and talked about which stars were our favorites. you told me about the first time you ever hurt yourself on purpose, and the time you walked in on something you'd never forget. then we threw the jars into the field and went inside. you fell asleep first. you always did.
2: the first time you ever labeled an experience i'd grown used to as "abusive" and it made me realize that something was wrong. i never understood that part of the way i lived wasn't normal until you said that. you used to say things like that a lot, things that made me understand my life in ways i'd never considered. i wish i'd had the chance to thank you.
3: the boat trip that one summer. you seemed depressed all day, and my whole family whispered about you, but i was always on your side. we mostly shared earbuds all day and talked, but then the storm came. we huddled under a towel with the music still playing, trying to protect our phones. we ended up making it to a tiki hut. you and i sat there, separate from my family, singing mcr and fob songs.
4: the way you smiled. the way you always squeezed your eyes shut like you didn't wanna see how it ended, and the corners of them crinkled up, and your mouth turned up wide. i always thought it was really cute.
5: the time you made me pancakes even though i wasn't really eating. you tried your best, you really did. when you left the kitchen, though, i threw the pancake pieces into the dirty dishes. i never told you that, and i'm sorry. i think you knew, though. you gave me a look, but you never said anything about it.
6: when you timed me when i got up to go to the bathroom to make sure i didn't have the time to hurt myself. when you saw me picking the scab on my hand raw and held it so i couldn't anymore. when you noticed me taking my pulse during an anxiety attack and made me get up with you to calm down. when we stood in the dq bathroom and you told me you wouldn't let me leave until i told you what was wrong, and for the first time i told you about the monster, and i felt like someone understood. when you stayed by my side during that trip to the mall when all our friends were having fun and i was having a complete breakdown. when i drew a heart on your wrist and told you not to break it and you looked up, hugged me, and then asked for my wrist to draw a heart of your own. when you understood that touching my bracelets made me anxious without me ever having to tell you, and the time you tried to teach me guitar, you asked permission before holding them out of the way. when we had our first sleepover at your house and stayed up til 5 am crying and telling each other every little thing we'd been through, and finally felt understood.
7: the last time i was at your house. we sat on the couch and huddled together for warmth, and you held my hand under the blanket, and nobody knew but us. we squeezed hands every time one of us felt anxious, and when i stood up and knocked over my soda, you never said a word about it. when i came back from the bathroom you mouthed are you okay? like you half expected to me to show you fresh scratches all down my arms. when i got back under the blanket, you took my hand again, and you rested your head on my shoulder, and i rested my head on top of yours. i felt so close to you. i'd give anything to go back there.

6 things i l̶o̶v̶e̶d love about you-
1: the way you bantered with me as you tried to torment me into taking care of myself properly. our problems always felt so much lighter when we could joke about them.
2: how you never forced me to get better or get help, but always encouraged me to fix myself and did everything you could to keep me safe. you never told anyone who didn't need to know, and for that i was always grateful.
3: how smart you were. you always knew a million and one reasons why something was so, and always had the perfect answer i never knew i was looking for, yet an answer that changed the way i saw everything.
4: that look you gave me every time i did something stupid (which was often). yeah, i complained about it all the time, but deep down i didn't mind so much. it reminded me that someone actually noticed all the little things i did to myself and you sure as heck weren't going to let me get away with a single one of them- god knows i tried.
5: the way you always understood everything without me ever having to say a word.
6: how you always said you didn't like dogs, but when you came to my house that day, you wanted to hold mine. when i asked you about it, i'm pretty sure you said something like, "i like this dog." i think you only started to like him 'cause of me, though. don't think i ever forgot about that.

5 things only a poet could love about me (you were a poet)-
1: the way i've always got ink or makeup or half-faded writing on my hands, smudged words left purposely vague to make sense to no one but me, swatches of colors and little black lines and anything i can never be bothered to wash off.
2: the way i still make wishes on 11:11 even though i'm 16 years old and don't believe a single one will come true, except maybe deep down i sort of do. there's really no harm in trying. anyway, you never know who's listening.
3: my fascination with the fact that the stars we see are the versions of their light from decades ago, because their current light hasn't reached us yet. we are literally looking at the past. any memory we make on a star is perfectly preserved for all those light years until it's light from that day finally reaches earth, and time finally catches up with us.
4: the way i always scribble on the back pages of my notebooks because i don't want to ruin the ones in the front. i like to tell myself i'm going to do something important with those, and i'd rather not confine whatever that is to a set amount of pages by doing my scribbling a few pages after. so. end of the notebook it is, then.
5: the way i never stop carrying around pieces of people with me. i can never let anyone just be gone. i keep three notes from you in my wallet, along the bracelet you gave me. i can't wear it anymore because the string is broken and i'm scared i'll lose it, but i always carry it with me. i've always got a piece of you with me.

everything i need you to know // k.