this is everything i didn't say

seventy-eight

 note: this is the same poem as seventy-six, but rewritten slightly. huge thank you to erin anastasia for taking the time to read the original and give me some ideas on how to make it better. she's an amazing poet- check her out on youtube

 so much has changed

since you last saw me

back then, i had the mind of a mystery writer

always obsessing over figuring out the who, how, and why

and now, i have the heart of a poet

and i've discovered exactly who you are

and i know how you hurt me-

by digging your fingers into every bruise

i worked so hard to cover over

and when you saw me wince, you simply made a joke about it

i've yet to understand the why, though

and not for lack of trying-

trust me, i have spent countless nights not sleeping

wondering what you could have found wrong with me

that you hadn't noticed before

before when you loved me

before when you cared

and when you came to apologize, you tried to explain

tried to tell me that it wasn't me

we'd just grown up-

or apart, or, whatever it was that you said

that we'd made new friends-

except i hadn't,

i'd made one friend, and a handful of people i called my friends

who never even had time to see me

but hey, you made friends

in my absence

so i guess that's what matters

and maybe that's what made it easier for you to leave

because you had others to fall back on

and your friends never really wanted me there anyway

since they were what i had always wanted to be

but could only play at being.

so much has changed

since you last saw me

i am so used to making things

out of other things

that speaking is starting to sound

a bit like poetry

but maybe that's just when it's coming out

of certain people's mouths

and everything is inspiration

even the things that kill me,

especially the things that kill me

and your pictures with other people

are just reminders that i'm alone.

so much has changed

since you last saw me

and i'm sure you're expecting

the same person you left

but that is so far from the truth

i am still me

but a different version of me

me 2.0, without the bug fixes

that the original version had

and glitches and irregularities

that need to be fixed and patched-

maybe in my next update

if i ever get there

i am me with the same untamed hair

but less life behind my eyes

me with the same smile

but not as big

me with the same stick-thin figure

but maybe a bit more unnatural for my age

me with quite a few more bracelets

and dark nail polish,

sleeping in band tees

because the lyrics i love are what keeps my heart beating

me with earbuds in

and music playing at all hours,

even when i'm sleeping

to ensure that i stay calm

me who can't be separated from my friendship necklace

because sometimes squeezing the charm

is the only thing that can stop my hands from shaking

so much has changed

since you last saw me

and i'm afraid you'll notice the cracks.

so much has changed // k. (2.0)

once again special thanks to erin anastasia for the advice <3