this is everything i didn't say

eighty-one

aren't we the picture-perfect duo

the epitome of best friendship

leaning so close into each other that people ask if we're a couple

and we laugh and say no

but i don't think they believe us

because five minutes later they tell us we argue like a married couple

and so we're laughing again because they don't realize

that the things we're making jokes about

and shooting back and forth at each other

are things that are hard to say out loud, so we laugh instead

look at your collarbones sticking out, no wonder you're always cold

yeah? i'm sure you're never cold, miss long-sleeves-every-day

you wanna go there? miss i-wear-jeans-in-august? come back to me when you've thought of a better coping mechanism

at least my coping mechanism isn't written on my wrists

and it goes on

and people look at us and wonder if we're saying what they think we are

and everyone looks a bit concerned

being friends with us should come with a trigger warning

we say we're trying to help by calling each other out

but are we really supporting each other?

or just egging each other on?

because this feels a bit like a game to me

a competition of who can destroy themselves faster

we show up to see each other and it's guess-what-i-did-this-time

who's made the bigger mistake, and by the way i've barely eaten today

but you've gone 2 days straight on coffee and gum and my scars are fading and yours aren't

so we make jokes to hide that we're hurting

and i'll never forget that meeting when they talked about medical treatment

and we laughed when they said blood was holy

tried to stifle the irony, but when we looked at each other you could practically see the red in our smiles

so when you meet us, please be warned

watch for the looks we give each other when someone mentions a certain word

or the way one of us will whisper something to the other

who will gasp, but not defend themselves

because they know the accusation is right

please don't be scared off by the jokes we make

we're not dangerous, we swear

we'd never hurt anyone but ourselves

trigger warning//k.