this is everything i didn't say

one hundred eight

so here it is, the one thing I never had a contingency plan for-

breaking someone's heart so badly that I can feel mine cracking too

if you're wondering if I'll forgive myself, the answer is no

and if you're wondering if I'm okay, the answer is eventually

because I can block out my own feelings but I can't block out yours

and god I'm more sorry than you'll ever know but that doesn't make it hurt less and I don't know how to heal from something I can't fix

there's always so much to say with no way to say it

all this empty space just filled up with memories that I can't seem to put back together

at the last party I went to, my friend played hey there delilah, and I wanted to cry but I sang along anyway

I still have the bracelet because I'm bad at letting go

it's only a lot if I think about it but

when I think about it, it's a lot

and I'm just not ready to think about it without crying

so I don't really know what that makes me

don't really know if the one who ruined things gets to cry when it's over

hate me if it's easier. it'll hurt but if it helps you I'd live with it

I don't know how to fix a problem I created and I think that's because I can't

and this is more of a mess than a poem but it's almost 2 am and I have more emotions than I do logic so

here's the mess

take it if you want it

just know that you're better than crying over the person who hurt you

even if that person is me

and I could say I'm sorry till the sun rises but it wouldn't be enough

I've heard that things hurt because they matter, and I think it's true but I wish it wasn't

I wish you got something better than what I gave you

at least enough to make up for everything I've put you through

but I think I can only hope that you get the best that you deserve in the end

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry.

messy // k.