this is everything i didn't say

one hundred two

so here's how it is: it still hurts. it never stopped. i still tell everyone i meet about my first heartbreak but then lie and say i don't think about it anymore, and i don't but i do. i never stopped caring. i never stopped wondering when you did.

so here's how it is: loneliness changed me and i'm stupid to try to say otherwise. honey, i was different back then, i was beautiful, but then they left me and suddenly i wasn't. does it matter? what matters is that i changed. call it a sad story or a revolution but it doesn't change what happened and what happened is that i am not the girl i grew up as.

so here's how it is: my mother called me satan once in a fit of anger and i'm still not over it. everyone says to forgive and forget, and i told her i forgave her but i'm not so sure about the latter. it was an accident, she swears. it just slipped out 'cause she was mad, she promises. she only said it 'cause i was being stubborn, so it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

so here's how it is: my second heartbreak happened gradually yet all at once. i'm not all collapsed on the ground the like the first time, but it just bites at me sometimes, you know? creeps up in the little things, and suddenly it's like you left all over again. it's just like that sometimes, i guess. stuff just hurts that way. what are you gonna do?

so here's how it is: a year ago today i was happy. i was smiling for real, would you believe that? and i thought to myself, i could get used to this. thought, i want this feeling every day 'cause it's the best thing i've felt, and i think my mouth might break from smiling, but i'd be okay if it did 'cause i'm happy. it felt like a drug, and i was ready to get addicted. and i crashed hard the next day, but it was worth it because for just a day, i was happy and it was real and i'd crash a million times over if it meant i could relive it once.

so here's how it is: one wrong move and i'll shatter. ready, aim, pull the trigger, watch me lose my mind. because it's so easy to fall apart sometimes. because it's so hard to do anything else.

so here's how it is: it isn't. i say i'll figure it out, which means i won't, but i don't want you asking any more questions. that's just it, you know? nothing lasts forever. it's all gotta end sometime.

the difference a year makes // k.

(ok i hate the title of this someone pls suggest a better one)