Anaxiphilia; the act of falling in love with the wrong person.
I know he's not the one. I know he's not my soul mate. I know I'm never going to marry him,or have kids,or grow old with him. I know he isn't my forever. But God I wish he was.
And I'm terrified for when I do find the one. What if I find my forever before Tyler does. Then what will happen. I'll break up with him and he'll drown in his own sorrow until he finds his forever.
But until then,until that moment where I leave my first love,I will give Tyler all I can.
So one day his future kids will ask him "dad,who was your first love?" And he'll pause and remember when we first met,and when we first kissed,and when he told me he loved me and I cried. And when we talked about having a future together,and the time I covered him in flower for saying my cooking was bad,and whenever he was sad I'd tickle him until he'd laugh and we'd cuddle and watch poor quality movies. And our first fight,that was over him getting jealous of Evan,that led to me telling him I loved him and me promising that I'd never leave him. And lastly the time when he told me he found his other half. A lovely girl she is. And when we went our separate ways reluctantly,not wanting to leave one another,but knowing that is was for the best.
And he will tell his kids stories about me,some true,some false. But it wont matter because I will be his first thought we he hears the phrase 'first love'. And that's all I could ask for. That he will never forget the girl,who gave him her heart.
And until that day comes,and until the day we separate,I will give Tyler every ounce of love I have in my body.
"I love you." I mutter into his neck as he hugs me oh so tightly.
"I know. And I love you too." He whispers.
"You were my first love. You will always be my first love no matter what happens." I whisper and kiss his neck.
He tilts his head down he lightly kisses my head.
"Someday...I will look back on this moment and just wonder how life would have been if we got married and had kids." He mutters with a shaky voice.
"....and what it would be like when our kids asked when we knew we loved each other." I chuckle slightly.
He rocks me back and forth,trying to comfort me.
"Yeah...all of this...I will never forget it." He whispers. I feel a tear drip onto my shoulder. My lip quivers and tears rush to my eyes.
"I'm going to miss you." I shakily whisper,burying my face further into his chest.
"I could never forget you." He starts. "And when you find your true love,I hope you will never forget me." He says with a hoarse voice.
"Do you regret it?"
"What?"
"I don't know.." My voice shook. "Everything."
He was quiet for a long moment. Heat flooded my cheeks.
I open my mouth to tell him to forget I asked,but he finally said,
"Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me. Because you were."
"Yeah." I whisper,With my eyes glistening.
"You too." I mutter.
"It's almost time.'' I whisper,removing my arms from around his neck.
He lets go off my body hesitatingly.
I look up to the baby blue eyes,that have grown to be my favorite color.
I tilt my head up and he tilts his down. Our lips touch roughly.
A kiss that shows sadness,and love.
One last kiss before he goes. A needy kiss,that wishes to not be forgotten.
Out tears swirl together. I hesitantly back away. I take a step back,and observe his face.
Fore,it may be the last time I ever see him.
His eyes are red and watery. "Go to her." I whisper,as I see Kelly in the corner of my eye. Luckily she understands completely.
He raps me in one last hug,letting go too soon.
"I'll miss you." He says,studying my face. I put on a smile,so the last image he has of me in his head,isn't a sad one.
"Goodbye." He whispers.
I know I said 'what if I find my forever before Tyler does.' But in this case, Tyler found his forever before me. And now I,will drown in my own sorrow,until I find my forever.
I wasn't the girl every boy noticed,but I was the girl he noticed,and to me,that was everything.
And one of the of the hardest things you will ever do,is grieve the loss of somebody who is still alive.
And now,Tyler is just a stranger will all my secrets.
One day,whether your 15,27, or 63,you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However,the saddest most awful truth you will ever come to find,is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.
I look at him,looking at her. I watch his smile grow and his eyes take in her beauty. They meet,right there in the middle of everything.And he takes her in his arms and kisses her forehead,as he rests his chin on top of her head, a small smile,a happy smile appears on his face. And I realize that I love her and I hate her for the same exact reason. She makes him happy.
