Ebony & Ivory [H.S]

Forty-Six

"I'm ready for this, I need you all in. I'm ready for this, so darling hold my hand. Cause I don't wanna walk on my own anymore, won't you understand?"

Staring at the screen of my laptop, I delete for what seems like the hundredth time this morning, a draft of a message intended for Alfie. Out of the millions upon millions of possible word arrangements, nothing seems adequate enough to make up for the heartache I caused him. To witness the pain in his eyes hurt me more than it could ever hurt him, and I want nothing more than to take the pain away.

'Dearest Alfie,'

Delete.

'Hey Alf,'

Definitely not.

'Alfie,'

Now we're getting somewhere. I sit there, biting the corner of my nail, anxious about how to proceed, but of course, nothing comes to mind.

"May I get you some water while you wait for your friend?" I'm asked by the waiter with a Spanish accent.

Being completely absorbed in my message, I almost forgot my setting, and I'm visibly a little shocked upon being interrupted.

"That would be nice," I smile. "Can I get two glasses please?"

He smiles, and goes off to retrieve said glasses and water, while I continue back to struggling with a seemingly easy task.

Alfie brought something to my attention last night, and said words that can never be taken back. He loves me. Not only does he love me, but he knows that I love him. He knows that I love him, and I can't imagine how terrible it would feel that I won't allow him to love me. He doesn't understand that I can't. He doesn't know what he'd be getting himself into, and I can't put my child through the strain of having people walking in and out of their life. I don't want it subjected to the life I had.

'I want so much to take it all back and allow myself to be happy.'

I stare at the fifteen or so words on the screen, tempted more than ever to send it, but what would that mean to him? Would it only give him hope in an otherwise hopeless situation? As much as I want for him to hear these words and know how I feel, it would only be cruel for him to hear them. What he needs in order to move on from us is absolutely nothing from me at all, and so I need to respect that.