I wake up to Raidyn showering me with kisses. I playfully swat at him--the day of my birthday ball, even though it is not my birthday. I know he felt guilty for missing it and Raven spent so long working on it, the least I can do is be grateful for it.
Birthdays feel meaningless to me, I like to celebrate other people's; mine not so much. Sure when I was born and up until I was six I had a birthday--none of which I can remember. I never truly had a birthday though, I was told it was in November by Valdus and even then I knew it was a lie because it was Astrid's birthday and Arsen's and all the other children of magic's birthday. It was never celebrated though--only to keep track of our estimated age.
Meeting my parents and knowing how terrible they are make me even more frustrated about my birthday--I don't like anything to remind me of the past. Sure, I'll make a big deal of Riesner's, Raidyn's, and my friends, but for some reason mine feels extremely pointless. My entire past seems to be so fucked up and I never ever let that bother me, but now relying and loving someone, having people in my life, it's more apparent that I need to appear normal. I know my responses at times are very inappropriate and during fights they always seem to escalate over the stupidest things. I try so hard to be normal, to know what it's like to be apart of a family and have people care for me.
I've only had Astrid caring for me and even then we never discussed our emotions much, we would lay together, talk, insult Valdus--but to me as I grew older I never told her of my true feelings. Of my spy encounters and how they made me feel sick, dirty and drained. I love spying, never get me wrong on that, but the things I had to do sometimes were not something I wanted to do, a job description. Seduce the men and gain information, take them to bed if you must. I never took them to bed, never saw them naked. I've seen them screw their eyes shut in pleasure from my teasing and asking them for information holding off their release until they told me so. I hated doing it that way, never wanted to but when Valdus needed answers and quick it was convenient and I could turn into any pretty fantasy they wanted.
Dieter, a creep, someone who has now plagued my mind and thought. He almost drove me to killing one of my best friends--Flora. Flora, she was so terrified of me and it broke my heart to see. I wasn't myself, she was right I was angry and bloodthirsty I wanted to kill Dieter for what he did. When Raidyn told me Jax killed him I was beyond upset--I wanted to march down to dungeons and torture him so painfully until he gave me an answer. Then I wanted to chop off his manhood for poking it at me--mind you it was through our clothes but I still felt disgusted. I knew he wanted to take me there but something was most definitely holding him back. Someone was giving him strict orders. His body so close to mine, touching me uncomfortably, cutting off my oxygen until I could no longer see and I passed out. I'm so scared there is someone in the castle, a spy, a shifted, waiting for me, waiting to strangle me. I am petrified.
I look up at Raidyn who is now kissing my neck. I run my hands through his dark thick hair. I let out a soft moan as he lips trail over that same damn spot that gets me everytime. I never want to leave his sight again. I am strong and I am stealthy and I can protect myself--but I am scared and I will only admit it to myself in all seriousness. I need Raidyn by my side, I need him to feel safe not just for me, for Ries too. Who knows what could've happened if Dieter succeeded. I can't imagine spending my life in a dungeon and Raidyn spending years trying to get me back as Riesner slowly slips away wondering about his mother and wondering why his father is mad.
I hold Raidyn close to my body and I inhale his scent deeply. It is the only thing that gives me comfort. I can still smell Dieters strong cologne suffocating me. Raidyn smells like fresh linen and summer rain. I kiss his shoulder and he pulls back to look at me.
"Good morning, my king." I tuck a strand of hair behind his ears. My sudden smile turns into a frown. "Shit." I mumble. "I still haven't taken a tonic." I pat his knee and stand up from the bed. "Unless you want another baby to take care of." I look at him jokingly.
