I stretch my arms out in bed. Yesterday I was completely exhausted, my studies have been taking up all my time. I'm really starting to feel all of the pregnancy symptoms now too. I feel much better than I did with Ries, but this one is growing fast and it's a pain--literally. I rub my hands along my electrified stomach, I think of the orphanage children and how the grand opening is in exactly one week. I've never been so excited--not to mention proud. I've been working on this project for nearly a year, half of it done in secret. Raidyn hasn't seen anything about it and I refused to give him a lot of the details; I want it to be a surprise. This project is so precious to me and I wish Zora could see my work--she's got to be nearly six years old now. I'd have to write to Fridrick to schedule a visit, I miss her a lot.
Belmont's body was sent to my father's kingdom yesterday and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Shouldn't this feel like a victory? Ever since I've gotten my memories back all I've been feeling is remorse and the need for my father...and my mother. It's left me with quite the debacle--it's a new word I've learned--I love Raidyn with all my heart and no matter what I choose him, he is the father of my children. I am still left with all these longing feelings for a family and the family I once knew long, long ago. My father was a funny man and I was his princess, he treated me with so much care--not sure I can say the same to my mother. He treated her like she was nothing--then again she did cheat before he even slept with Mylene. I don't understand my father's bitterness now...why he wants me all to himself. Shouldn't he want me happy? I wonder if he sees Arleigh in me and that's why he's doing this. Maybe he's just possessive, I have no clue what turned him into such a monster.
I turn over on my side to look at Raidyn who is still passed out--exhausted for once in his life. I brush a piece of hair out his face. Gods, I just want to kiss and hold him. I definitely picked up on something yesterday and it wasn't anything good. I felt some sadness--which now makes sense because he visited his parents gravestone. I still feel like he isn't able to talk about it with me. I know he tries to be open, but I feel he hides a lot. His past is so terrible I couldn't even imagine--I know he loves his parents and adores them I also know deep inside he blames himself and he will always carry that guilt. I just want him to be happy; he doesn't deserve any suffering.
He had a happy memory from a time with Bren which tells me it was about a girl. I wanted to be happy he remembered something happy, but I couldn't help but want to be upset about it. I refrained from trying to show any of my true feelings. A girl, a girl made him happy--I mean it could've been a memory of Bren but I really doubt it especially if he didn't want to talk about it. He said he was never in love before but these were different feelings--that much I picked up on. I guess I have happy--most of them sexual, memories of other guys too--Arsen, Oedipus, Donovan; it's all in the past. There's absolutely no reason to be jealous--he doesn't even know the half of my sexual past. I know more about his than he knows about mine.
Donovan was after my little excursion with Oedipus. Every time I would come home from a mission I would sneak into Arsens room and he would do me a favor, he would touch me and make me feel wanted after Valdus's constant abuse and put me-downs I wanted to feel something where I was actually loved--or even mimicked love and pleasure was next best. His tongue would sweep against the spot I ached for and his fingers pumping inside me sending me into complete and utter bliss.
It quickly became a routine after the first time he pleasured me when I was sixteen and then it started to become a bad habit especially when Valdus sent me off to missions. I would do my usual teasing, straddling them and then grinding; I could feel them harden underneath me. Before I would feel nothing but disgust, but ever seen my first release I've been aching for that intoxicating sensation--to feel that sense of love and enjoyment again. Oedipus was the first lord I took quite a liking to, he was young and handsome, and after getting the information I wanted and receiving my orgasm from him I feared he wanted more--wanted something in return and as selfish as that sounds it wasn't something I was ready or willing to do. I ran away with my collection of information and told Valdus everything he asked for. Quickly, I became aggravated with Valdus once again not freeing me and I would head straight to Arsens room for some enjoyment--to simply lose myself.
