Already Gone

Chapter 41

I felt warm, too warm and if I stayed still enough I thought it's finally done. I feel at peace and I'm waking up to another life with no pain, no sorrow, no sadness. Nothing else seemed real but if I stay still enough I could hear the beeping of a heart monitor and that's when I knew without opening my eyes that this is not where I hoped I would be. 

Before I could even open my eyes tears are already swarming in it. Getting all my senses back, feeling the fabric of the hospital blanket under my palms. Smelling the clean alcohol products in the hospital. 

I didn't want to be here and knowing that I am here I failed. 

I open my eyes and disappointment sets in and dealing with this type of feeling had my chest tightening. My throat restricting and I feel stuck between reality and my own my pain. I sat up feeling the thick jumper wool jumper around me seeing the emptiness of the room.

The old familiar loneliness sting inside me and this is what I have become. The pain is the only thing that is real, so it's the pain that I focus on. 

My thoughts are broken and I can't repair it anymore. No time or anyone can put me back together. 

The door opened interrupting me in my own dark mind and to my surprise I see David. His face sadden seeing me awake and already breaking down.

"Hailey" He spoke my name softly "I'm glad you're up do you want me to get the doctor or-

"I'm fine David" I wipe away my tears hugging myself feeling ashamed of myself. "You found me?" I couldn't even look at it him when I asked.

"Yeah" He whispered coming closer to sit on the bed. "Hailey please talk to me, tell me what you're feeling?" 

"Dad would have been so disappointed in me" I broke into a sob covering my face. "He lived his life with so much joy and exhilaration that he wanted that for me. His life was taken away from him because of a disease and I wanted to end my life willingly and it's like spitting at his face for doing that." I shook my head picturing how hurt he would be.

"I was ready to end it, I'm so miserable that I believed that I was better off dead because I just didn't want to feel like this anymore. I just wanted it to stop." Emotions are running wild and all I could do is cry uncontrollable. "I'm weak and pathetic! I-

"You're not" David moved closer to sit beside me and hugged me to comfort me. "You're not weak. Hailey you're the strongest person I know apart from your dad. You endured all the grief and pain not a lot of people could have the strength to pull through." 

"I don't have the strength" I pull away gasping softly trying to calm my breathing "There is nothing here for me anymore. Everybody leaves me eventually, it doesn't matter how but they do, they always do. You and Amy will leave me and forget about me. Sky has already got rid of me and doesn't want anything to do with me. Bonnie and Kyle we will grow apart and we will talk less and then all together they will leave too. So you see everything is gone, everybody is gone." 

The self hate and self pity dwells inside me and there is no stopping it. 

David has never seen me this way his forehead crunch in concentrate while his eyes held so many different emotions swirling in his eyes. 

"I know it's hard to look pass the pain, I know it's difficult to picture the day you're not feeling this anymore. I'm not a religious man nor do I believe in destiny but at times like this I want to believe it because you are still here my dear." He took hold of my hands and held it tightly. "You shouldn't be ashamed of trying to commit suicide. You shouldn't call yourself pathetic and weak because you're still here. You're still living and your life is not meaningless so you being here now means you are meant to do something else. You are meant to live." 

He spoke intensely trying to let his words pierce right through my head. 

"I don't know what the future holds but I hope Amy and I live a very long time. I want to be apart of your life for a long time because there is no choice of forgetting about you. You are Tim's daughter, my best friend he is the brother I wished I have, he is my brother. I want to watch you grow up into a successful beautiful woman with a lot passion and happiness. I want to watch you walk down the aisle marrying who I hope would be my son" He smiled teasingly making me chuckle slightly. 

I blink away my tears absorbing his words weighing heavy in my heart even at the mention of Sky. I can't help but feel like I let him down more then anyone else too.  

"You're going to have children and a family of your own. You're going to fall in love, meet new people, make new friends and create new adventures. You're going to watch your children grow up and you're going to die with old age surrounded by people who loves you. You don't get to die alone in the cold, you get to live" 

His looked at me determined to make me understand that suicide shouldn't be the way out. He's showing me that there should be more beyond this pain and that some day when I don't feel this aching sadness anymore I would finally be relieved from it all. I would then find my own happiness. 

"Give yourself that chance to have all that"  He cradle my face. "It will be hard and it will feel like nothing will change but it will. One day it will and you'll see that pain is only temporary."  

I cried from his words feeling every emotion pour from his mouth. Hearing what I needed to hear, I just needed one person to say all those things and make me believe it all. I pulled him into a hug crying on his shoulders.

"Your dad would have understood your pain more then you think and he would have said it took courage to open your eyes and sit up and your strength and will power is stronger then anybody else that he knows because he knows you can go on. Your life will go on and that this is not the end." He spoke kind words that will forever be stitched into my mind. 

This moment is something I will carry on forever and I will not forget his inspiring words. There is a new sort of bond between David and I and it's this type of relationship I appreciate the most. 

"I'm sorry" I cried "I'm sorry you had to see me like that, I'm sorry you found me." 

He pulled back and shook his head giving me a soft smile. 

"I'm glad I found you and I'm glad I could speak to you like this." 

I smiled back wiping away my tears feeling a little weight lift from me. 

"Thank you David" 

"Rest now dear" He pat my hand.

That I did and when I closed my eyes it's not their voice that I hear anymore, it's not the memories that haunts me but instead there is nothing there. Not emptiness but just simply nothing in my mind and I feel at peace. 

~~//~//~~//~~

Global suicide rates have increased 60% in the past 45 years. 

Suicide isn't something you should joke about or think lightly. Do not treat someone badly to the point that they kill themselves. We should treat each other better because if we strip away our gender, uniform, possessions, money, sex orientation, religion, countries and skin color we are all the same. We are human. Treat each other better, treat each other kindly. Be careful with your words because words are the one that stays with that person forever. 

If you are going through some rough things in your life I hope the words of David encourages you to live another day and day by day you'll find that pain is not forever.