Loving You Painfully - Michaeng (Completed)

Chapter 13 - What Hurt The Most

Summer break! After a long promotion of our comeback, we got some time off, after this, we will get busy again as we have to prepare our concert tour, as well as JYP Nation concert. A break for a while won't hurt, I thought. I also need some time off. We have an agreement on no dating rules for 3 years, now that we already 3 years old, some members start looking for a relationship. I mean, now they are open when a boy asks for their number. Of course, we are still busy, but having a good companion is a good thing too. JYPE gives us a looseness a bit. I always tell Nayeon Unnie to date someone. Someone from her university maybe. She's the oldest. She deserves a relationship since she's now 24 years old. I love when Nayeon Unnie hanging out with other 95 friends of her. All this time, she took care of us, never even think about going out, she always makes us her world and universe. Thank God that Sowon Unnie and Nayoung Unnie now is really close with Nayeon Unnie. They're both trained for a long time before debut, they can share the burden. 

There's no dating ban now in our group, as long as we notify the agency when we date someone. So that the agency could protect us. They always tell us to be careful. JYP PD himself tell us that. He wants their employee also have their own life. We also made a promise to each other, that we would tell each other if we happened to date someone. You can not guess at how many men ask for Nayeon Unnie number. I hope that Nayeon Unnie could get along with one of them. As for me, I think I need some time to really start dating. I want my heart to sort out first.

I don't want to start imagining what should I do when we have to go abroad together for our concerts. I am afraid that I'll become someone with no fun at all. No, I will not let that happen. I am a good actor. I could play fake. Nowadays, I drown myself in writing lyrics and creating pieces of music. I learned from JunK Oppa a lot. He's willing to help me. I don't want to just be a singer, I want to create music as well. Start from contributing myself at composing for our albums. I used to have some fun with the members, now that I admit in my heart that I'm in love with one of us, it's getting harder and harder. Every action that she created become something big for me. Every ignorance becomes ten times painful now. The past 7 months, I lost count at how many times I cried over her. I want to say that she's a bad woman. I feel that she take an advantage of my kindness. She knows that I will run if it's about her. 

We live side by side, but every night I check every conversation on our group chat, staff's Instagram, or our Instagram in case she updated something, where I could just ask her, she lives just 5 meters away from me, for God sake. But I can't. I know the moment I talk to her, my heart becomes weak all over again. She will never know, how I will bring her meds when she just said something like 'I think I'm dizzy' on our group chat. She will never know how many times I stand in front of her room but always failed to knock. I don't have guts, I am a loser. She will never know how many times I am holding tissues behind my back while watching you cried in Jeongyeon Unnie or Nayeon Unnie hands. You cried a lot, lately. I am in pain too when I saw that. She will never know probably I peek at the window as the van leave, till I can't see the van anymore when you have an individual schedule. That's how badly I want to see just you. 

I am not sure what will happen to us for sure. Part of my heart wants to tell her about what I've been through, it's been 4 years like this. Part of me wants to stop loving her. Part of me wants to forget this feeling naturally, I thought this was just a phase. Part of me wants to start a real relationship with a man since lots of men also ask for my number already. By the way, lost of men ask Mina Unnie's number too. I start to panic actually when Jeongyeon Unnie teases Minna in front of us. Even actors ask for her number. Maybe, somehow, if Minna Unnie starts dating someone, my mind would go crazy, but at the same time maybe I can use this to giving up on her too.

Somewhere around the end of the year, I enter Jihyo Unnie's room. All of them busy with dressing up Mina Unnie who is sitting on the dresser. I sit at Sana Unnie's bed.