Loving You Painfully - Michaeng (Completed)

Chapter 20 - Letter to Myoui Mina

To my beautiful black swan.

Dear Mina Unnie,

In this perfectly cold wheater, as my heart also froze now. This is me accepting the ache of missing you. This is me, waking up every day staring at our kitchen as you used to eat your breakfast there, and the living room where you spend late nights watching TV, and your PC Room, where I could see you in with your headphone playing game, won't budge even the world ends. This is me trying to understand that it is okay to have my heart's beat when someone speaks your name, or when you suddenly appear in our group's chat, or when you posted something on Instagram. This is me accepting the fact that my life should go on without any stop. This is me keeping the faith that someday I will hear and immerse every love songs and sad movies without having a single tear. That I will fall in love again. Someone will chase me when I don't have to chase.

This is me accepting the universe that you and I won't create other sincere memories. This is me trying to assure myself that someday soon someone will fall in love with you, confessing the love only for you, I will be the one who claps behind you through that happy moment. This is me hoping that you will find the love you desire, someone who could bring you medicines without even hesitates to knock your room. Someone gentle, someone brave not a coward.

This is me promising myself that I will change for sure. I will profound my love, I won't hide it. This is me promising my life to be happy, cause I will be happy now seeing you just happy. This is me accepting the fact that I will spend my sleepless night with someone else, not you anymore. This is me stopping myself to staring at my phone waiting for you to reply my text, cause I won't text you in the first place. This is me learning, that I will be enjoying sunset and sunrise without you again. This me promising my self not to cry over you in the park, not to run stupidly at night through Han river. Not again.

This is me, avoiding myself to keep missing you. This is me moving on. I really hope you're happy.

Sincerely,

Chaeng – Winter 2019

I close my notebook. I write for myself as if I could send this letter to Mina Unnie. I am done. I should make an effort toward myself. I can't do this over and over again. It's been 5 years, I really need to stop. I don't regret my youth, spending time liking and loving her. Like or not, she also shaping me to be who I am now. I feel now that I could be honest. At least to myself. I still feel the ache, but I've never thought and allowed myself to move on. I've been so fooled telling myself that it's okay to feel like this forever, turns out it's an infinity trap and I wanted a way out so badly. I'm hurting myself in the process. Not until today, where I decided to be happy, enough with tears. I want to try not to give up, I want to feel at ease every time I see her.

As I overslept in my own thought, I wake up in the morning realizing that it's already 8am. I rub my eyes and looking at the window. I gasp a bit. That's when I realize that it's winter already. At the early of December, I see the first snow. Next thing I know, I wash and wear my jacket, take my car key with me. I go outside, throw my hand in the air, it really is snow. I then go to my car and drive, it's all white all over the city. Welcome my favorite season, winter! It's beautiful. All the trees covered with snow. I stop at one apartment at Songpa-gu. I don't what am I doing. I'm waiting under the big tree. I enjoy myself soaking because of snow.

I make a phone call.

"Come downstairs" I say.

If there's nothing to lose, then there's nothing to be afraid of. Your feeling grows deeper and your desire to keep it grows, get bigger. Love feeds on fear. But the ultimate way to overcome the fear is through love again.