Station 11

trente.

I was sitting on the floor. The room around was made out of something that felt like pillows. Junhui told me much about this room. He was spending hours in here. They called it 'relaxing cell'.
Here you can let all your anger out and hit the floor or the walls without getting hurt, since everything feels soft. Even if you feel calm again you have to wait in this room until a nurse comes to pick you up. You are locked in here.
I didn't do anything. They put me in here. I sat down and was staring at the door.

For your own safety.

My mind was blank. I didn't think about Wonwoo or Junhui. I just stared at the door and my mind was blank.

Sometimes I could here steps or people talking. But I didn't react.

The door finally started to make sounds and was open. I saw Dr. Nam and not a nurse, which surprised me little.

"Let's go", she said.

"How long was I in here?", I asked her, while walking back to my room.

"Not even an hour. Did you do anything?"

I shook my head. "I am too tired now"

It felt longer. It felt like an entire day in this room.

She didn't answer. We passed a window and it was completely dark. It was already nighttime.

We arrived at my room and before Dr. Nam left she said something.

"He is okay"

And then I went into my room. Chan was already sleeping, but his small nightlight, that was switched on, was making me able to see the room.

I went to my bed and my body shivered. Memories from before came back.

I didn't know who Dr. Nam was talking about. But I hopes it's Wonwoo. Junhui can't be that seriously injured.

I sat down and heard something crunching under me. I stood up again and looked to Chan, hoping he was still asleep.

A piece of paper was lying there. A letter. From Junhui.

My heart started to hurt. My fingers were shaking. I started to read the letter.

Dear Minghao,

I don't know when you will recieve this letter, but I hope you can forgive me.

He planned all of this. He didn't expect me to find it out in this way. He really wanted to tell me everything.

You wanted to know for such a long time what happened between Wonwoo and me. And I have a huge reason, why I couldn't tell you. I am so ashamed for evertyhing that I did. I hate myself for doing this to somebody. I treated Wonwoo like shit. No, I actually destroyed his life. It started with just punching him and pushing around. He didn't say anything, so I thought he didn't care. I was so dumb. My father was crazy at that time. I was under so much pressure. Especially when he was better in school than me. I was so scared of my father, that I did all of this to him. I started to burn his school supplies, I was making him look like a fool. I didn't want him to study and always sent him messages to threat him. I lied to the teachers about his private life, making them hate him. I did so many terrible things. He once broke down in front of me. Crying, sobbing. He showed me his wrist. It was full with red and white scars. He couldn't take it anymore. And I just laughed. I just laughed and called him a crybaby. The next day I heard that he was in a hospital, after trying to hang himself. The same day my dad raped me. I realise now. I deserved to get raped. It was nothing compared to what I've done to Wonwoo. I am so selfish. I did apologize to him, after I met him again in the hospital. But he can't forgive me. And I can totally understand him. I don't deserve his forgivness. I deserve to die, to finally leave Wonwoo alone. It's okay if you hate me now. You changed me and even if you decide to leave me I'll still be the person you made me. I'll still love you, but I will leave you alone. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything that makes me happy. I am sorry for evertyhing and I hope you continue a happy life.
I love you,
Junhui

My tears couldn't stop coming out of my eyes. I tried to hold back my sobbing to not wake Chan up. There was a strong pain in my heart and it didn't want to go away. I pressed a tissue onto my face to calm down.

"Dry my tears with your sweater"

The time he talked about his dad with me on the rooftop. He looked so weak. I couldn't believe what he did. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk to Junhui. I wanted to talk to Wonwoo. I wanted him to survive. I wanted Wonwoo to finally be able to live and enjoy life.

I wanted this all to stop.

I was pressing my knees onto my chest, lying on the side. I was looking at Chan's body. It was calm and his chest was moving up and down slowly. His face looked relaxed. He looked safe. I wanted him to stay like this. I wanted everbody to be like this. I didn't want the sun to appear in the morning. I didn't want to see Chan wake up and have a sad expression on his face. I didn't want to see sadness in anybody. 

The letter was still in my hands. A little wet from my tears and the sweat on my hands. I closed my eyes, tried to sleep. And I could succeed in at least one thing that I wanted.
.

The snow will always remind me of Jonghyun.