Station 11

soixante.

Don't read if you are still uncomfortable with the Sulli situation please.
I did get better. It was getting easier to  follow the moves and my voice was getting more stable during vocal practices. It was a lot of fun, even if it still was very stressful. Junhui's plan of secretly making out in the bathroom, when nobody else was in there was my favourite thing. The only ones that probably noticed were our friends, but they just gave us a sneaky smile everytime we got out.

I was getting closer with Junhui's friends and the other boys. Seungkwan was a really funny guy and made us laugh so hard, that we forgot the pain in our sore bodies. Seokmin's voice was also beautiful and we loved listened to it. Mingyu got really close with Seungcheol, as he was learning rapping from him.

Soonyoung once taught us a choreography, when our actual dance instructor was absent. The company enjoyed it a lot and gave him more chances to do choreographies. I was finally starting to live a life I enjoyed, without having to struggle or worry too much about everything. I liked what I saw in the mirror, when I was going through my moves.
Lunch breaks were also fun. With funny stories and stupid jokes, I couldn't think too much about the calories and enjoyed my sandwiches or other street food snacks. I was finally enjoying certain tastes and allowed myself snacks, without punishing myself mentally. My weekly sessions with Dr. Nam were getting easier and more enjoyable. She seemed proud of me for being more relaxed and it made me proud, too.

I was also enjoying my regular dates with Junhui and he became even closer with my mum. Mum even allowed me to bring over my friends for christmas eve in five days. I was training for a month now and still had to wear many clothes and thick jackets to keep myself warm. Mum was also very happy, when I had dinner with her, because she used to eat alone for such a long time.
My life seemed so perfect. It didn't seem real.

And on Christmas Eve we all were gathered in my living room, I was next to Junhui, holding his hand behind our backs. I was a little scared of having this huge dinner, but I learned how to stay calm. I looked over to Mingyu, who seemed nervous like me. He also looked over and I gave him an encouraging nod. I wanted him to know that we were in this together and we knew what to do in situations like these.
Wonwoo, who was discharged two days ago, also grabbed Mingyu's hand, to signalize that it was okay.

We got to our dining table and mum served us beautiful dinner. The boys thanked her and started to eat. I was taking little pieces of everything and smiled after chewing my food. After staying in a hospital for a year, I still forgot how great my mum's cooking was. And the other boys agreed and gave my mum a lot of compliments that made her blush.

I realised that something was missing. There was no little boy with us, who was also giving us a good laugh with his own laugh. And who was always teasing the older ones. I didn't call Chan once, ever since Soonyoung told us about the promise. It's been a month now and I felt that Christmas Eve was the perfect timing to do so.

I went to the kitchen, were mum was filling her glass with some wine. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number of the hospital.

"Maybe, he was allowed to spend Christmas with his family, too", I mumbled, before I nurse answered the phone.

"Nam Hospital. How can I help you?"

"Hello, I would like to talk to Lee Chan, please. From Station 11", I said and there was a short break.

"One second. We will connect you with the other station", she said and a Christmas Carol started playing as I was waiting.

"Hello?", a familiar voice appeared after a few seconds.

"Oh, hello Dr. Nam", I was surprised that she was the one who picked up.

"Is everything okay, Minghao? Why did you call?", her voice already seemed worried.

"Oh, I am doing great. I just wanted to wish Chan, my old roommate, a Merry Christmas", I said and chuckled.

"Minghao", Dr. Nam's voice was suddenly very quiet. Nearly a whisper. 

"Minghao, I am really sorry, but Lee Chan comitted suicide this morning. Please stay with your mother or Junhui and please don't stop considering what we taught you. I will see you tomorrow and we can explain and talk more about it. We will get through this. Again I am so sorry, Minghao", her words didn't matter anymore, after the first sentence.

I sat down on a chair, staring at the phone that was in my hand, I could hear Dr. Nam calling my name on the other line. Thears were making my sight blurry, until they finally rolled down. Cooling down immeadiatly. Mum noticed it and grabbed my phone to talk to Dr. Nam.

I could hear her saying the same thing to mum, before I started sobbing. This was not true. This was not possible. My heart was aching so bad, as I was thinking of all the moments that warned me. I felt selfish, my throat was burning. I could've prevented it.

Chan was not dead. Chan didn't do this to himself. Chan was still in this hospital. Or maybe with his parents that he loved so much. Chan was alive. Chan was okay. I would see Chan again very soon. Chan would also be training at the company with us.

My cries were getting louder and Junhui entered the kitchen.

"Minghao? What is going on? What happened? Calm down. Please", he grabbed my shoulders and I tried to talk.

But it didn't work out. Instead I just let out a cry, before I buried my head in his neck. Junhui was still so confused, but hugged me tight.

"Chan", I was able to finally say something. Saying his name out loud, was hurting again. I felt so guilty and selfish. I was biting my lower lip, to stop shaking, but it barely helped.

"He killed himself", I whispered and felt Junhui's hug getting tighter after understanding my words.

"He- What?", I looked over to Soonyoung who was standing at the door frame with wide eyes and an open mouth, as he dropped the empty plate, that he wanted to bring to the kitchen, to the floor.

Hey, so that finally happened.
Yes, I was planning that since 2017 and I was struggling with actually doing it. But I decided to do. I know that kpop in the past years was not easy, with two suicides. But life goes on. So please stay safe and appreciate the little things that male you happy.
See you soon, Mel.