Station 11

quarante six

"So you want to leave Seventeen just like that?", after these words Soonyoung left the room too quickly and Chan followed him without any words. 

"Don't worry too much", Junhui calmed me down and put his hand onto my shoulder. "He doesn't realize everything that quickly"  

All I could give him was a small nod. I didn't want to hurt Soonyoung in any way. I knew how important all of this was for him and how he always dreamed about doing this more than just a side hobby in a mental hospital. I felt sorry for him, but I still knew that this wasn't my fault. I was angry. At myself for not recovering faster. At Chan for just blindly following Soonyoung. But I was especially angry at Dr. Nam. It was not only painful for me to have this break. Soonyoung was leading us since the beginning. He helped us and tried to make our moves look perfect. It was his idea and I could understand his pain after he heard from me that I couldn't go on anymore. I didn't know for how long. But it could be weeks, months, even more than that. 

I knew that he was in the TV room. It was that time where many idols he liked were on TV showing their newest performances and songs. Soonyoung always had strong critics on them and he was a master at learning these dances just by watching them a few times on this little screen. I decided to leave my room and Junhui behind and slowly peeked through the glass door of our TV room. Soonyoung's eyes were fixed on the screen, he was completely concentrated and had the controller in his hand. Chan was next to him, also watching TV, but not  with that intense stare that Soonyoung had. He noticed me quickly, and just like Junhui, Chan realized without any exchange of words what I was planning to do. And just like Junhui, he let me do what I needed to do. 

Chan mumbled an excuse to leave, that I couldn't hear and Soonyoung just nodded. His eyes were still on the screen. Chan opened the door and the same time as he, left I entered the room and closed the door. I couldn't figure out if Soonyoung noticed me as his eyes did not even shake. I leaned against the glass door and just watched him. I noticed his finger tapping the beat on his jeans. His left eyebrow was a bit messed up and I came to conclusions. The song that was playing was a ballad and Soonyoung was crying. A few tears rolled down as a deep male voice was singing words the seemed to touch his heart. 

I came closer and sat down. His head landed on my shoulder and more tears started to roll down his cheeks. he grabbed my arm and started to sob. My heart hurted as I held him in my arms, He was shaking from coughing in-between his sobs. I took a look onto the screen. The singer was holding an umbrella on stage and was wearing a formal suit. He looked into the camera with a sad expression and continued to sing his song . I wondered if that singer knew how much this song meant to another person. The song was coming to an end. And Soonyoung also seemed to calm down. His cheeks were still wet and his nose was a little runny. He seemed about ten years younger than he actually was. His forehead was red and so were his nose and cheeks. His hands on my arm felt hot and sweaty, but at this moment I didn't mind. 

"You know, before I came here, I wanted to be an idol. I was maybe not the best singer, but my voice was good enough and my dancing is really amazing. I auditioned with the song I just listened to. Before my audition I trained with this song many times. I was never sick of it. It has beautiful lyrics and I loved the meaning about it. I was allowed as a trainee, but only for a short time. Also during this time, that one song became my lucky songs and I listened to it at any occasion that made me nervous or caused me stress. I've always been the loud one, the energetic one, the one that doesn't know when to shut up, the one that always goes too far with jokes. The one that can't sit in one position for more than five minutes. At that time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just thought I had more energy than others. And my company was annoyed by that. It was harder for me to follow rules or to take my time to listen to the teachers or the staff. The teachers warned me so many times, they gave me so many chances. But they still threw me out, after I misbehaved again. That's when my mum decided to bring me to a doctor. And that doctor made me come here. This dumb thing in my head ruined my dream. I ruined my own dream, because I am so dumb and can't function normal like any other person. And no one actually takes ADHD seriously. Because it's so fucking dumb-"

"Shut up", my voice was loud, sharp and made him quiet. "None of this is your fault. None. It's the people's fault if they can't understand that your are just a little different. And being a little different in your way does not only bring consequences. You love dancing, and thanks to that energy in your ADHD you can go on for so much loner than the rest. You can put in so much effort and time into the things you love to do because of that. And who cares if you are louder than others? And your jokes are not bad, if you tell them to the right people who appreciate them. I am one of these people and I don't want you to think that you are dumb. You make up these amazing dances with clever formations. They way you teach us is so unique and handy. Did you ever take time to compliment yourself with these things?"

"Yes", was Soonyoung's answer and we both had to let out a small giggle. "But I have to admit that I didn't do that enough" His head moved and he felt a little shy and decided to stare at his shoes. 

"Sorry for reacting in such a mean way. I just thought that everything was to fall apart again", he whispered and leaned back.

I gave him a kind smile and shook my head "You won't get rid of me that easily. I will still come and watch our practice. Just because I am not allowed to dance, doesn't mean I can't watch your progress"

Soonyoung smiled, too "Thank you Minghao"

I shrugged my shoulders "For what?"

"For giving us so much hope"

This chapter is for my sweetest friend Daun-ah. It's her birthday and I decided to write this chapter while thinking bout this cutie. (Happy Birthday Boo) (pls wish her a happy birthday in the comments)

Also the idol that made Soonyoung cry was Yesung during his 'Paper Umbrella' era. These lyrics are amazing and I recommend you to listen to this song while reading it (Dumb to request that during the end of the chapter hehe)

See you soon,

Mel