Station 11

quarante trois

"Last day of the year, huh?"; Chan greeted me with these words as I entered our room after a session with Dr.Nam.

"Really? Already? Wow, that happened very fast", I sighed and sat down on my bed. Over 6 months I have been in here already. 

"What are we going to do?" Chan asked me and bounced up and down on his bed. I just shrugged my shoulders. 

"What do you want do?", I asked him and his face brightened up in a single second. 

"The rooftop. Just us four, maybe with Wonwoo, Mingyu and Jihoon, too. But only maybe. I still like you three the most", he said and made me smile. I nodded and promised him to talk with Dr.Nam and the rest of the boys. Chan left the room and I lied down on my bed. I was staring at the ceiling and remembered our past New Years Eve. I secretly shoved down all the food from my plate into the toilet, didn't lock the bathroom door and mum caught me. Minah didn't say anything and dad didn't call. Again. A year ago everything was so different. I was so different. 

"Hey, don't think too much, Minghao", Junhui's face suddenly appeared in front of me and I sat up. He stroked my hair as I was putting my head onto his shoulder. 

"What were you thinking about?", he asked me, but stopped stroking my hair, when I also asked him a question at the same time. 

"How did you celebrate New Years Eve before you were here?", I wanted to know. 

"Well, my dad was always with his workmates somewhere and my mother and brother stayed in China. My dad never let them come and visit me nor did he let me go to them. He was scared that I was going to tell them everything. So I went out with friends, got drunk and threw up all night, so I couldn't enjoy all the fireworks and the new year, because I hated celebrating stuff like that. And you?", he seemed more confident in talking about his past. He once told me that even only thinking about his dad's face made him panic. I felt proud. 

"I thought about the best way not to eat and make my food disappear. Didn't always work that well for me", I confessed and he took my hand. 

"Don't do it this year. Maybe you'll do it secretly or something. I don't want to worry and watch you all night. I finally want to celebrate the new year. If the new year starts with you the only thing I can do is celebrate. I love you, you know that", he kissed my forehead. 

"To be honest, I didn't even think about that. I want to enjoy this night, too. With you", I said and kissed him back. I saw how he closed his eyes, so I did the same. He touched my face, my shoulder, my hair, my neck, my chest. We laid down on the bed again, not parting our lips a single time. I never made out with Junhui. But I loved it. I touched him, too. His face, his shoulder, his hair, his neck, his chest. He started to kiss my cheek and went down to my neck. My body felt hotter every second. I enjoyed it. Every single touch and kiss from Junhui. I loved it. I kissed him back. I kissed his cheek. I kissed his neck. He held me tight. 

We stopped. Chan came back. "Oh, guys. This is still a mental hospital. Please wait a bit and do it somewhere else", he laughed and left again to go to Soonyoung. 

"He is right", I whispered and chuckled a little. 

"I never even had the thought to sleep with you in here", he said and stood up. 

That sentence gave me weird feeling. He didn't find me attractive to think about us in that way. He wanted me to gain weight to be more attractive to him. He did it on purpose so he can sleep with me, when I have the right looks for him. He did never-

"Minghao, are you okay?", he touched my cheek and smiled. I Only gave him a fake smile back and nodded. 

"Let's go have dinner. And then let's celebrate", I said, took his hand and we left the room. I didn't like thinking like that. I didn't want these negative words to break through these walls again. I knew that Junhui loves me. I knew that his feelings are more than lust. But that comment from him didn't allow me to think positive.