Station 11

quarante neuf

I ignored most of Dr. Nam's words as I left her office. She was proud of me. I was getting better.
But the person I loved the most still left me without saying a single word.
I couldn't just get better, leave this hospital and have the fear everytime to see him again.
Maybe with new friends, better conditions. Or worse.
A new lover.
The walls in my head were building up again, not letting me think straight. There was only one option left.
Do anything that's necessary so that your condition gets worse and you can't leave this place. Ever.

Now there was no Junhui that could hold me back from throwing up. Or hiding my food. Or doing anything else that I just couldn't think of at the moment.
Suddenly I felt heavier. My belly felt swollen and I felt my chin hanging down.
I passed a window on the way to my room. I could slighty see my refelction. I was fat. Disgusting. I kept wondering how I could still be able to move with all this weight on me. And now it was nearly impossible to walk away for me.
Even moving my head was too much of a challenge. My cheeks were puffy, not making my eyes or lips stand out. It was like my cheeks were suffocating my face.
I wanted to look away. I had to look away. I couldn't stand seeing myself any longer.
With all my energy that was left, I did make it to my room and collapsed on my bed. I felt like the bed was going to give up under me soon. In all these years, since I started feeling this way, it was never this bad.

Tears were streaming down on my way too fat cheeks and my lips started to tremble. It felt like my bodyfat was pushing down on my lungs, making it hard to breathe.
I hated myself for being so blinded by the love that I didn't notice how fat I've become thanks to Junhui. Being in love with him made me forget my actual goal I had set in my life. Losing weight.
My tears were stronger and warmer, I started to choke, gasping for air. My eyes were too weak to stay open. My throat started bruning. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it wanted to jump out of my body.
I was dizzy and the last thing that happened before I passed away, was me trying to sit up as I was throwing up onto my legs.
.
A sharp pain was going through my head, as I felt a cold hand on my cheek. I didn't need to open my eyes to know whose hand was touching me. I was used to these cold hands, my mum used to have ever since I can remember. Every single time she touched me, it was that cold.
I still tried to open my eyes to look into my mother's face, that I didn't see for a long time and missed a lot.

She smiled after noticing that I was awake and I could saw the tears gathering on the corners of her eyes. The walls of that room were in a light yellow color and my blanket was white with light grey stripes. I knew what happened. That thought came up to me, before I even felt my mum's cold hand.

But I still asked her.

"You had a terrible panic attack. You lost complete control over your body. So you threw up and even peed yourself. I heard from Dr. Nam why this might happened, but I would also like to hear it from my own son", her voice seemed weaker than my own and her hand was now in my hair, her fingers going through them.
It took me back to the night, I was about to go to sleep and my mum was sitting on the edge of my bed, telling me that we were alone now. Dad was gone.
"I am sorry, mum", I also teared up. It was hard to see that I was also hurting my mum, like my dad used to. She didn't deserve this. But I just couldn't switch these thoughts off.

"That's not what I want to hear", she sighed.

"I know. But I apologized, because I don't know if I can tell you", my voice cracked at the end. I was trying too hard not to cry in front of her.

"Why?", she asked me. Getting more impatient.

"It'll hurt you, if I tell you. You will realize again how sick your own son is", I said and my tears were finally rolling down and dripping down onto the pillow.

"Minghao", mum also started to cry. "It hurts even more that I don't know why you are sick. I love you more than anything. And all I want is to make you get better. I am your mother. It is my job to help you with everything I got", her hand was now on my hand, holding it tight and sending a small shiver up to my shoulder.

"Okay, the last time I told you everything was in the car after Minah's dinner. A lot of stuff happened after that", and so I started to talk. Barely pausing to catch my breath, only when mum reminded me to do so.

The last part, the part that brought me and my mum to this room, was the hardest. The details, about how I was seeing myself, were not easy for mum. She couldn't understand it.

"In my eyes you are the most beautiful son a mother can ever have. I am greatful for having you in my life and I'm so proud of you for the things you achieved. Why don't you try to see yourself through my eyes once?", she asked me and I couldn't explain her the situation I was going through.

"I just can't. I don't have a reason why, it's just there, and for some reason it doesn't go away", I tried to sit up, but my body wasn't prepared, so my head bounced back to my pillow.

"The reason is you. It doesn't go away, because a part of you wants it to stay", and with these words was mum able to make me speechless and leave me thinking about it.

Hiyah! I am back with a chapter. And I have a lil message/advice for you. Of course I don't know all about your private life, but please show all the love you have for your mothers. You may not always realize all the things they do to you, but they love you and always want the best for you.
So I guess this chapter is dedicated to my mother who won't read it anyway since she can't understand english hehe. She is my favourite person and I wouldn't be here today if she wouldn't have been so amazing and helpful.
See you,
Mel.