Station 11

quarante deux

"According to your weight measurements, you can't stay with your dance team for a short amount of time. I am sorry", Dr. Nam started the session with this sentence. I was sitting on my chair and still felt my knees getting weak. I gasped for air, made a gesture to stand up, but then leaned back to my chair again. 

"This is unfair", was all I could say in this moment and Dr. Nam just sighed. 

"No, not in this case. Too much training in your state is dangerous. You should not be moving too much, until not only your weight is better, but also your mind", Dr. Nam told me and apologized again. 

"This is still unfair", was my only response. 

"Minghao, it will only be for a short time. Your weight did drop a lot last week and we think it's because of the hard training you had after three new boys joined your team. If we work hard together, the time will pass faster, too and you can join them again. It's just for a few weeks", Dr. Nam was right. If I would admit my problems and would fight for them it would be over so much sooner. I would be feeling so much better. But I can't. No matter how hard the other situation is, I just can't. 

"I don't know", giving a longer answer seemed so hard for me at the moment. 

"What do you not know?", Dr. Nam asked me and gave me a kind, encouraging smile. 

"I don't know what to do. There is this blockade in my head that I just can't pass", I admitted and Dr. Nam gave me a nod. 

"What kind of a blockade is it?", she continued with her questions like she always did. 

"That blockade that tells me bad things if I eat or just have simple thoughts about food", this time I was the one who let out a sigh. 

"This is why you are here. This is the work we have to do, Minghao. You can't just wait until this blockade is gone or even worse, you can't just do everything this blockade tells you. You have to try your best to break that. And for more help I am here for you. And your friends are, too."

A sharp pain was going through my head, as I remembered Soonyoung's words from earlier. Are they really there for me? After all the things he said not even an hour ago?

"But it feels like it's not working", I was getting more inpatient. 

"It is. Very slowly. It's difficult for yourself to see these changes happening in your own body, but someone like me can guarantee you that there are some changes. They would happen faster, if you would try harder. And we both know, you can",  and with that sentence the room was quiet and I was still going through this conversation. She did look at me and knew what I was thinking about. And she gave me the time. Until I started to cry. 

With still a few tissues in my hand and red, puffy eyes I left the therapy session to go back to my room. Soonyoung and Junhui were sitting on my bed, having an energetic conversation with Chan. 

"When Minghao, Wonwoo, Mingyu and Jihoon later join us at lunch we can tell them the great news", Soonyoung shouted and I could see the happiness and excitement lighting up in his eyes, as he turned around and noticed me entering the room. His smile faded away a little bit and he turned around again. With no words I sat down next to Chan and looked into Junhui's face. 

"Should we tell him now?", Chan's voice was also full with excitement and he was bouncing a little bit on his bed. 

"No we should wait until lunch. I want to see all the reactions at once. They will all freak out", Junhui said and Soonyoung agreed with a nod. 

Chan laughed. "No one will freak out as much as Soonyoung just did" and the other two boys laughed with him.

"Why did you cry?", Chan asked out of a sudden and the good mood was gone. 

"Uhm, Dr. Nam is just good in making you think things in another way and she makes you talk about things that are hard for you, so today I cried a little", It was not a complete lie. I just couldn't tell them that I wasn't allowed to participate in the team anymore. Especially Soonyoung would be very mad.

"Oh yeah, she does that very well", Junhui said and took my hand as a form of comfort. And then it hit me. A wave of realization and emotions. I was dumb for forgetting that. 

He was the reason. The reason, I forgot that blockade in my head for a moment. He was the reason, why I wanted to change into something better.  He was the reason, that I could see through that blockade and spot a better world for me. He was the reason, why I could still laugh, feel happiness and love, even if the back of my mind was still filled with terrible thoughts. He was the reason, I wanted to live. 

Wen Junhui. Wen Junhui was the reason, why I wanted everything to change and everything to get better. And I felt bad for forgetting that. I felt silly, for forgetting the one thing that was also always in my mind. Wen Junhui's eyes, Wen Junhui's smile, Wen Junhui's voice, Wen Junhui's touch, even Wen Junhui's little mole above his lip. I was always thinking about him. And I loved thinking about him. I could forget that blockade if I was thinking about him. And suddenly I could agree with all these cheesy poems or novels that were about a certain person they loved. I hated them, I despised them, because I could not understand these feelings. I could not believe that these feelings were true.  And my heart flattered as I thought of Wen Junhui being that person for me. I could write cheesy poems for him. I could write an entire book for him. Just because of the love I could finally understand and the love I was accepting towards him. 

"Minghao? Hey, don't be so lost in your thoughts and come with us. It's lunch time", the voice I loved so much appeared and brought me back to real life. Junhui was giggling a little as I had a confused look on my face. 

"Oh, sure", I also chuckled, stood up, grabbed his hand and together we left my room. 

What the hell??? 100k views on this story? I am so freaking happy, that I got so excited and just had to upload another chapter! So here a little thank you from me with this cheesy and cute chapter. I hope all of you are doing fine and will enjoy the next freezing months. Thanks again so much for so many reads!!! See you later,

Mel