Station 11

quarante-et-un

Junhui's worried face was the first thing I spotted after opening the door. His hands immediatly grabbed mine and after feeling his warmth, I noticed my freezing body in comparison.

"Are you okay?", he asked me as we walked back to our room. I remembered my promise that I had with Junhui. I couldn't tell him.

"Yeah, why?", I asked back.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I heard you scream"

I remebered Chan's prank with the ice cold water and even though I wasn't in the mood, I had to chuckle.

"Yeah, that was that little rascal Chan", I told Junhui as I opened the door to my room and already saw this grinning little boy in my bed.

"I have a session now, see you", Junhui kissed my head before he left.

I closed the door as I entered and went to my closet. I could feel Chan's curiosity from behind.

"You two made up?", he asked me as I took a shirt that seemed clean enough. I just turned my head into his direction and gave him a nod and a small smile.

"Does Wonwoo know?", the question made me freeze for a second.

"I think so. We didn't directly tell him. But Mingyu said-"

"Do you think he'll be okay with that?", Chan knew how to make me question my decision.

"I hope so. Junhui is better when he's with me. And more calm. So maybe it's also better for Wonwoo", I said it to Chan, but also to myself. I needed to believe it, too.

"I feel like Wonwoo thinks that Junhui deserves something worse", Chan's voice got louder.

I hung up my towel and stared at him. "Are you mad? Did I do something?"

Chan just rolled his eyes. "Yes, you did" and then he started to cry.

I went to him and sat down, hugging him as he made my shirt wet. He was sobbing and his shoulders were shaking.

"I hate you, hyung. I really hate all of you", my heart was aching with these words, but I still couldn't understand what was going on.

"Hey, calm down at first. Should I call Sonyoung?", I wanted to stand up, but he grabbed my arm and made me sit on my bed again.

"I hate him, too", he mumbled as he took a tissue to dry his tears.

"You all promised me to talk to me more often, as you seem to be the only ones who understand me. But it was always Wonwoo and Junhui, Wonwoo and Junhui. So I went to Soonyoung, but he only wanted to dance and didn't even listen. I feel like my head is exploding", he cried again after finishing his last sentence.

"Oh, god. I am really sorry. Why didn't you start talking about it?", I stroke his hair as I was talking.

"I did. You don't even remember. I told you before going to sleep once and you just nodded and said we'll do it tomorrow. But the entire day you were with Mingyu, Wonwoo and Junhui", his voice was still very loud.

I sighed as I felt bad for him. "I am really, really sorry. Okay, now I have time. Let it all out", I told him and he did.

He wanted me to understand. His feeling of emptiness, but still having a strong weight pulling him down. His intense thougths about selfharm and suicide. The way he felt lonely even if he was around all the people he loved. It hurt me how much pain this young guy was going through. And it hurted me even more that I couldn't fullfill his only wish. I just couldn't understand.

But I tried to. I nodded, agreed, gave any tips I could. I needed to talk with Soonyoung about this. He was Chan's best friend,he was like his older  brother.

We were all going through hell at the moment, but we should all try to help  our loved one out of it, even if we are the ones left to stay.

I told Chan to go to bed early and even put his blanket onto him as he sank into the pillow.

"You also can't understand me, am I right?", Chan yawned as he said it.

I gave him a nod and he knew how sorry I was.

"I was trying to. But you thoughts are so extreme. I was surprised to hear that coming from you", I whispered as I switched on his little night light.

"Thanks for listening to me anyway. That was also enough", he closed his eyes. 

"Anything for you", I ruffled his hair and quietly left the room.

Soonyoung was in the TV room, watching idols perform on a decorated stage. He was focused and didn't notice me entering and sitting down.

"Hey", I started and he just nodded.

"Imagine that, Minghao", he said as he grabbed my arm. "We debuting on ShowChampion. All together. With a story that connects us all. And with incredible performances."

I sighed and he finally faced me. "You should take care of Chan before that. That guy is going through some tough stuff"

"I will. Don't worry. He's fine at the moment", he was again staring at the screen.

"He is not", I took the remote controller and switched off the TV.

"Hey", he shouted. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Listen to me-"

"I did. I know Chan better than you. You don't need to tell me anything", he stood up.

"If you do, you should know that he bursted out in tears some minutes ago, because he felt isolated and lonely, because none of us did listen to him", I also stood up and faced him.

"Stop trying to fix everything around you, but yourself. You can't play a hero for others, if you are dying yourself", Soonyoung still shouted and pushed me away to leave the room.

I sat down on the couch again and tried to calm down. Anger, sadness and confusion was still all over me. Tears were appearing and made my sight blurry. All the questions I had gave me a headache. I was crying as I started to find out if I hated Soonyoung or myself more.

I hated Soonyoung for these words and I hated myself, because these words told the truth.

Wow so much drama that happened in my life, too:) back with a chapter  I wrote during class, cause we only had presentations, that were boring af.
Hopey yoy enjoyed that chapter and thanks for the nice comments that were telling me how inpatient they were^^
see you soon:)