peaky blinders imagines + smut.

once upon a time: john shelby.

The tension and sadness were thick as you watched John chat to Esme about upcoming plans, but you noticed his eyes slowly trail over to yours and then snapping back when he saw that you were also looking at him. John's heart was racing as he tried to remain focussed on Esme but to know that you were staring at with so much intensity and jealously broke his heart, this wasn't how it was supposed to be.

You were supposed to be sat in Esme's place, discussing future holidays and the business. To John, it all felt wrong and fake, which it was, but John was a pleasant fella underneath the gangster personality and he didn't want to break anybody's heart. Still, he was stuck in an unbearable position - fake a marriage to keep everyone out of harms way, including you, or follow his heart and risk an all-out war. The decision played on his mind always, mostly when he was laid in bed. Esme would be laid at the other side, sad that her husband found it difficult to be close to her. John had tried his hardest to get on with the marriage, but he couldn't love Esme, not in the same way that he loved you.

Tommy felt guilt-ridden; he knew about you and John. The secret lovers - who weren't secretive considering everyone heard you leave the house in the early hours of the morning before the marriage - who had been ripped apart for a business arrangement. It was heart-breaking to see but John knew what the consequences would be and so did you, but it didn't make it any easier.

Every time you looked at John, all you would see is what you could have had. A future, with the man that you worshipped, kids running around the house and making a mess, a big house in the countryside away from the smoke and misery. Those thoughts were just dreams however and if they were to come true, it would be with another man and that was just as painful.

Smiling softly at Ada, you patted her knee before telling her that you were stepping outside for a smoke. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes was giving you a headache and you needed to erase the image of Esme trailing her hand across John's thigh from your mind.

"Are you alright?" Ada asked, grabbing your hand and stopping your movements.

You nodded your head at her and smiled softly before squeezing her hand. "As good as I can be, Ada."

Ada was the only one who truly understood what you were going through. The rest of the Shelby family just thought that the sadness that had occurred because of the marriage would fade away with time. She saw your pain and from her own personal experience, she knew that it was hard to stay away from the man that you loved.

"You can be unhappy about what happened, and you shouldn't have to put up a front just to protect yourself."

"I'm not unhappy." Was all you simply said before tugging your hand from Ada's grip. "I will be ten minutes. Would you like to go to another pub?" you asked her as you didn't know if you could bare looking at John and Esme for any longer – it was already hard enough at work.

The younger girl nodded her head before turning to look at Polly. "She is sad," Ada said to Polly once she was sure that you had stepped out of the pub. "I know her."

"Wouldn't you be sad?"

Ada nodded her head. "I don't know how she can bare to look at the two of them, I think I would die a little bit inside every time I did."

Polly sighed before taking a sip of her drink. "She can't and that is why she has just stepped out."

"Do you think John - "

"He loves [y/n], loves her more than anything," Polly interrupted with a stern look. She knew that it was dangerous to speak about the ex-relationship. The last time that John had caught Polly talking about the arranged marriage, he had gone mad and announced to everyone in the shop that it was none of their business. "And he will never truly forgive Tommy for this."

Ada looked over towards John, only to be surprised when she saw that he had vanished, leaving Esme to speak with Arthur about something that was probably business related. Both Polly and Ada looked at each other with confusion before shrugging their shoulders. Whatever happened, things would work themselves out in the end.

+++

John was silent as stood beside you, his back rested against the wall and a cigarette in his hand. You looked up at him and watched him wretchedly, your mouth unable to say any words. You weren't expecting John to follow you outside, but it wasn't unwelcome, and you felt slightly better as he stood beside you, his spare hand moving to play with your little finger. You should have stopped him right away, but you couldn't, it had been too long since you had felt his touch.

"I want you back."

It was four simple words that fell from John's mouth hurriedly - he even seemed surprised after he had finished speaking. All you could do was scoff before walking further down the alley way, away from any prying eyes or unwanted listeners. It was months too late, John had made his choice and now he had to deal with it.

"I want you back," he repeated, this time with more self-confidence as he shadowed you. Turning around, you flung your cigarette on the pavement, besides some empty bottles, and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" you laughed.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sorry for making me feel worthless? Are you sorry for sitting down with me one day and discussing our future and then getting married to another woman the next day?" You were being harsh, and it was uncalled for but you a little bit drunk and wounds that you thought you had patched up were being reopened.

John interrupted you with a loud groan as he tried to grab your arms, but you moved back, not allowing yourself to be touched by him again because it was your one weakness. "I'm sorry for fucking everything up. I don't want this, I never fucking wanted this, but it happened, and I was in too deep and I didn't want to let anybody down. [y/n] I thought I was doing the right thing when I went through with the marriage but obviously I wasn't and - "

"John, breath." It was your turn to interrupt him as you placed your hand at the top of his arm, rubbing softly to calm him down. "You know that I love you, don't you? We had it all John, we were happy."

"But..." John's voice was soft as he waited for your next comment.

"I'd rather never have you back than lose you again."

"Love..."

"I can't deal with this pain again, I can't do it," you told him, your voice cracking. "I'd love to have you back, I really fucking would, but it wouldn't work. I also don't want Esme to feel the pain that I am feeling because it's not nice at all."

John stuffed his hands in his trousers before looking down at the ground in shame. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I need you to know that because I feel as if you hate me and I don't want you to hate me."

"I know you didn't and I don't bloody hate you, not at all. If anything, I still love you more than anything," you said quietly, resting your hand on John's cheek. "You are a good man and you will make Esme very happy. We need to move on though because it isn't doing us any good. We had our chance and we both blew it. I didn't fight hard enough and neither did you." Standing on your tiptoes, you placed a kiss against John's cheeks before pressing your foreheads together. "Look after yourself, John."

"Where are you going?" he asked with panic in his voice. John reached out and grabbed your hand once you had begun to walk away. "Are you going away?"

You nodded your head and sniffled. "It's for the best, John."

John was reluctant to agree but he couldn't force you to stay and with a sad glow in his eyes, John leaned down and pressed a simple kiss against your lips before allowing you to walk away. There was no coming back, no returning to Small Heath and there would be no more chances for you and John. There were memories though and that was enough.