peaky blinders imagines + smut.

john shelby: broken man.

The light of your life, John Shelby was the one man that you could trust with every fibre of your body. A mixture of innocence and viciousness, John Shelby was a force to be reckoned with. Nobody truly saw his defenceless side, not you or his family, his friends or his employees. Instead, he kept his secret concealed inside of him, locked away to protect himself from being helpless.

The death of his mother was what hit him the most, secretly, but to the outside world he kept his wall up. Despite sharing a bed with him, not once did you hear his body shake from his tears nor did you feel the wetness on your shoulder as you held him after the burial. John was like a machine - doing as people said, keeping his feelings at a distance, carrying on as normal.

In John's eyes, he had to remain strong for the family. There were others there to help them all through the appalling time, but John did not accept the help of others, not wanting to feel like a charity case. Ada and Finn were his core priority even though they were doing just fine - Finn too young to comprehend what was going on and Ada had become Polly's right-hand woman, turning to her when the roads got rough. Still, it was a distraction to John and it reminded him that he had a purpose.

You tried your hardest to get John to open up, telling him that he was treasured and that you would always be there for him whenever he needed to talk. Of course, John would dismiss your words and tell you that nothing was wrong but as he spoke, you couldn't help but look at the bloodshot eyes.

"You can talk to me, you know," you said to John as you kneeled behind him on the duvet, wrapping your arms around his bare torso and resting your chin on his shoulder. John continued to look at the wallpaper and smoke his cigarette, only responding to your comment with a quick squeeze of your hand. "I'll always be here, I'll always love you and I will always be waiting for you."

"I know," he mumbled, leaning his head to the side so it knocked yours lightly. "I love you."

"I love you."

+++

Years after the death of the Shelby's mother, it was still touching everyone. The War had been and gone, the business was flourishing, and all was well but there were times when reality would dawn on the family as they remembered the loss of the mother that had birthed them and raised them. On the anniversary of her passing, a meal would be held to think of their mother and you could see John's broken self-coming back to light. Happy stories were told, comical stories also and the sad. Laughter was shared, and drinks were poured but there was still the heartbreak that floated through the room, no-one spoke about it and in its place remained silent about the bleak mood.

When John had returned home from France, you had not once seen him cry. One night, one of your youngest children had entered the bedroom to inform you that John was in the bathroom crying and when you had tried to confront him about it, John had shut you down instantly. It was not John's fault, but you felt like a hopeless wife; your husband was suffering and there was nothing that you could do.

"I'll take the plates in," John said, leading to your confusion as John hardly did any house work.

You looked up at him and spotted the glossy eyes but remained quiet, not wanting to say anything while he was in front of his family. John smiled softly at you as he collected the plates and strolled into the kitchen, none of the other family members picking up on the detached mood that John was holding as they were too invested in discussing the time that Arthur smashed a window with the football that he had pinched.

When everybody was participating in some sort of conversation, you snuck away and went into the kitchen to check on John. He had been gone for longer than needed and you knew that something was wrong but when you walked in, your heart broke as you did not expect the sight that you saw.

"John," you mumbled quietly as you strolled up to his body. He had one hand resting on the counter as he leaned over, doing his best to keep the crying unseen but you were no fool and you could see that John was troubled as he wiped away the tears with his free hand. "Come here."

John noticed your existence at that point and turned around speedily, sniffling as he tried to camouflage his mourning with a phoney smile that was brought to his face as he raised his arms in the air, beckoning you over.

"I'm fine," he said before you could even ask the question.

"Have you been crying?"

"No."

"You are a liar, John Shelby," you mumbled against his chest, taking note of the way his body stiffened and the broken noise that he released. "You should have told me that you were upset, and I would have come straight to you."

John shook his head and blinked a few times. "I wasn't crying, I'm fine."

You sighed softly before tightening your lips. It wasn't the time to argue or pressure John into something that he did not want to speak about - even though you knew deep down that keeping his emotions private was slowly killing him.

"It's alright to cry," you spoke, hugging him tighter. "When you are around me, you don't need to be an unbreakable, strong man. There is a time to be a fighter and a time to show your fragile side."

John moved his hand to the back of your head, casually running his fingers through your hair. "I don't like being unguarded, makes it easier for people to hurt me."

Pulling away slightly, you ran your hands up John's chest before wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him down a little so his face was close to yours. "I'm not going to hurt you, never in a million years. I won't judge you, I won't laugh at you and I won't cause you any misery."

John took a deep breath before placing a sweet kiss against your mouth. "I just miss her. It's been years, I know, but there's just little things that set me off. When I come home, and you've baked for the kids, it reminds me of coming home from school and mum telling me off for nabbing a couple of biscuits. Or, when I get a whiff of someone's perfume and it smells just like mums. I sound stupid - "

"No," you interrupted, using your thumb to wipe away a fallen tear. "You don't sound stupid at all. In fact, I think you sound like a real man."

John raised one eyebrow before stopping a laugh. "Really?" You nodded. "Thank you?"

"You don't need to bottle everything up because it's only going to make things worse for yourself."

John knew that you were right, and he felt awful for keeping all his issues away from you but what was he meant to do? Over the years he had constructed a gangster persona, indestructible and full of trouble. To lower the walls that he had spent so long creating petrified John. He was the man of the house, the strong one, not feeble and miserable.

"I don't want to put all of my problems on you because you do not deserve that."

"I'm your wife, John. I took those vows to signify my love for you, to show that I cherish you, yeah? I'm not going anywhere, and I'd rather have your problems on my shoulders than watch you suffer in silence because I think that breaks my heart more."

"I guess that you are right." John looked around uncomfortably, but he was still happy that his issues were being shared with you, the women that he worshipped.

You chuckled before leaning backwards, your hand moving to grab John's. "Come on, let's go home. We can talk about things properly there, if that's what you want?"

John looked sceptical for a moment before nodding his head. "I think so."

"Think so?"

John chuckled before wiping away some tears. "Yeah, I'd like that, a lot."

You grinned before capturing John's lips, kissing him for a moment before pulling away and pressing your forehead against his. "She would have been proud of you."