Expressing Thoughts-J.D

-53-

"Hello Mrs Dun, I'm Dr Lauren Harvey." the doctor smiled as I laid on the bed.

"Sage, is fine" I said, too shook up by the fear of what she would tell me to comprehend anything.

"So, we've done our tests but now I just want to do an ultrasound so we are all 100% on what's happening" she said, again with a fake smile.

"What is happening?" I asked, she gave me a look of pity and shook her head.

"I don't want you to get worried just yet" She was so fake it hurt. She wasn't anything like any of the doctors on Grey's anatomy.

"But I bled, like a lot and there was pain and that's not supposed to happen. I only found out I was pregnant a week ago" I sounded desperate but at this point I was, Josh didn't even know about any of this.

She ignored me and put the gel on my stomach, she turned the screen away from me so I couldn't see anything and moved the device over my stomach.

"How old are you?" She asked, my heart dropped.

"Twenty seven" I gulped.

"And no history of smoking or substance abuse?" She asked calmly.

"Not at all" my breathing started to stutter. She wiped the gel off me and gave me a sad smile.

"Is there anyone you would like me to call before I tell you this" my eyes started to water, I knew what she was going to say.

"No" I said sternly.

"No father? I see you're married" she pointed out.

"He's away. He doesn't know yet" I was crying at this point and she was just looking at me as if I were nothing.

"Okay. Sage, I am so sorry but it seems you have had a miscarriage" my whole world shattered as she spoke. I stared at the ceiling, i stopped crying and just became numb. "There is a procedure we can do to remove the excess of what is in your womb. Would you like me to do it now or would you like to schedule an appointment?" She spoke as if she hadn't just turned my world upside down.

"Just do it now" I whispered, she nodded and walked out.

I returned home with an empty womb. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there for a while. I stood in my hallway and stared at the wall, I was completely numb. It wasn't until the doorbell rang did I move my eyes away from the wall.

Jess stood outside my door, looking pissed off. Just what I needed. I stared at her with no emotion while she just walked into my house uninvited.

"Do you remember me? Your friend? Your bridesmaid?" She almost spat at me. I continued to just stare at her but I really wanted her to leave.

"Can we do this another time?" I asked.

"No! I want to tell you what's what. You can't just kick me out of your perfect life just because mine has turned to shit! The minute I have a crack in my life, a flaw if you will, you just ignore me and shove me out of your life as if I'm going to embarrass you! You are selfish and more flawed than you know! I'm going to Spain with my real friends and you can stay in your perfect life with your perfect husband and perfect friends who all have perfect husbands and jobs! That was all I ever was good to you for, my money, the job and now that I don't have any of that you just completely ignore me!" I let her scream at me as much as she needed.

I stared at her when she finished before bursting into tears and dropping to the floor. I had never cried hysterically like that and I must've looked insane. I was scream-crying, it was uncontrollable. Jess stood in front of me and stared at me as though I were mental.

"Sage-" she started but I didn't want to hear any of it.

"Get out!" I screamed, she opened her mouth but I let out a loud cry again "Get out!" I screamed again, she exited my house and left me to cry hysterically by myself. Not even Jim would come near me.

I crawled up the stairs and laid in bed, I turned my phone off and cried by myself in bed. Quite pathetic really but what are you supposed to do when your baby dies inside of you.

I thought about Josh when I calmed down a bit, all he wants is a child to complete our life together. Miscarriages can mean there is something wrong with my uterus which means I will never be able to have children. I couldn't bare to face Josh if I couldn't have children, that would hurt him too much. He would hate me.

I cried for a little while more until I heard some loud noises from downstairs and then Jim started to bark. If it was a burglar I figured they could take whatever they wanted as long as it wasn't Jim.

"Sage?" I heard a familiar voice yell. "Sage!" They yelled louder. There were loud footsteps and then my door burst open. "Sage!" It was Sarah. She squatted next to where I was which was in a ball facing the wall. The minute I saw her face I started crying. "Sage what happened? Is it Josh? What did he do?" She tried to comfort me but I just cried harder.

"Happy accident" I stuttered through my cries. I held my hands to my face and cried harder. "Happy accident" I cried again, she tried to touch me but I swatted her hand away.

"Happy accident? I don't understand" I cried out one more time as the tears poured down my face. "I'm calling Josh" she muttered to herself but I screamed out.

"No. Nobody tells Josh" I gripped her hand forcefully. She looked genuinely scared as I stared at her:

"What? What's happened? Sage, I don't understand. What is going on?" She looked as if she was about to cry as I wept in front of her.

"M-y b-a-b-y" i said almost inaudible. I rolled over and cried more. She followed me and sat on the bed next to where I was sobbing.

"Sage, I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me what's happening so I can figure out what to do" she panicked but I didn't care anymore. I felt a hole inside of me that was filled with grief and horror.

"I just want to be alone" I said in between cries, Sarah shook her head forcefully.

"No, there is no way I'm leaving you like this. I'm calling someone, anyone, tell me who to call Sage" she demanded.

"My happy accident" was all I said. She looked pissed off with me even though I really didn't know what to tell her.

I didn't want Josh. If he knew he would be so upset, I let him down by not being able to carry his baby. He wouldn't be able to look at me ever again and I didn't want him to know that.

"Sage. Listen to me. I get that something has happened that has upset you beyond the point of sanity but I want to help you so you need to tell me what's going on so I can help" she still looked as if she was about to cry which only made me feel worse.

"I can't tell you until Josh knows" I said honestly. I knew I would have to tell him but I wanted to tell him first, I didn't want anyone else to know.

"Okay." She breathed. "That's okay. Whatever it is Sage, we are going to get through it. You may be a Dun now but you will always be a Urie first and Urie's get through everything" she tried to reassure me but I just rolled over to face the wall again and cried silently.

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I just don't think I'm ready for them to have a baby yet...
Obviously miscarriage is a serious and heartbreaking thing and I don't want to offend anyone by me putting it in. I tried to do my research and make this as realistic as possible.