Expressing Thoughts-J.D

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The door creaked open again, I was aching all over with sadness. I couldn't bare to have Josh look at me again. That was until I heard some stuttered breaths and instantly knew it was Tyler.

"What are you doing Tyler?" my voice croaked, i refused to face him in fear of the pity he would have on his face.

I felt the bed move and assumed he was sitting next to me, I could feel the heat radiate off him. It was weirdly soothing.

"You have to tell Josh what is happening otherwise you're going to break him and then neither of you will have a leg to stand on" he didn't understand and he never would. After all, he is a man. He was also going for the tough love approach which meant he was very much in Josh's corner.

"Are you saying I'm broken?" My voice was so small it almost made me want to break down again.

"It's okay to be broken. I've been broken before but I came back, you can always come back" he softened his voice slightly.

"He'll hate me. All he wants is what I can't give him." I said quietly, almost so he couldn't hear it. I wanted to tell Josh but I couldn't bare to watch him react.

"You still have to tell him" He was back to tough love. I rolled over and stared at me, I watched his eyes widen unintentionally as he saw the state I was in.

"I thought you out of all people would understand that sometimes when you're going through something you don't want the one you love to watch it happen. They will never forget the look you have when you're broken and I don't want that ingrained in Josh's mind" I was going to break down again, I was already crying again.

"He should at least know why your broken. Think of how he is thinking right now. His mind is racing thinking of why, if you don't want him to watch then fine but you have to put him at ease about this" he just didn't understand. He is defending Josh when there is nothing to defend. I get that I have to tell Josh but it's all too much. Instead of saying what I wanted I just started to cry hard again. "Sage" his voice was painted with pity.

"I want to tell him but I can't" I said through my tears, he shook his head.

"Yes you can." I cried harder.

"I can't" he was getting angry and I was getting frustrated. We were both pushing each other's buttons to the point where

"So tell me! I know Josh better than anyone and I'll tell you how he'll react and how to deal with it. Whatever it is, he deserves to know" I stayed quiet for a while, wondering whether I should tell him first.

"Josh will hate me if I tell you first" i wiped my tears, pulling my skin harshly. Tyler shook his head.

"Before you came along, I seriously worried that Josh was not going to open up to anyone else. He has fallen so hard for you, you cannot do this to him. I won't allow you to. Now tell me so we can all get through this" he held out his hand for me to take. I stared at it and placed my hand in his. My stomach lurched, I was about to say it for the first time.

"I had a miscarriage"

Tyler's eyes closed as he processed. He let out a deep deep breath before opening them again. He shook his head which scared me. He wasn't saying anything. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"I'm so sorry" he finally said. He pulled my hand to him and kissed it firmly.

"Josh wants a baby so badly and now I don't know if I can give him that." I started crying again, I was starting to wonder when I would run out of tears.

"Josh is going to be upset but you two can lean on each other to get through it. You have to tell him" he pushed me further.

"I don't want to hurt him." Tyler shook his head and pulled my hand. I pushed myself up but I felt so weak it was almost painful.

"You are hurting him by not telling him. It was his baby too even if he didn't know it existed" the pain in my chest grew, I was so nervous and scared to talk to him.

"I love him so much Ty. I want to tell him but i can't look at him. He's gonna hate me for not telling him and then resent me for not having his baby" I couldn't help but cry even more, Tyler put his arm around me and let me cry into him.

"You have to tell him, it cannot come from anyone else, only you" He said to me. I nodded and took in a deep breath. "You have to do it now" he added, i groaned and laid back down on the bed. "I'll send him in" i felt him get off the bed and leave which only made me even more nervous.

The room was silent for a while while he spoke to Josh. I brought my hand to my stomach and took a deep breath. I felt so empty, it wasn't supposed to be like this. It shouldn't have been this way.

The door opened so i rolled over so I could see him. I was about to break his heart and he didn't even know it. He crawled onto the bed and sat away from me so we could talk. He was practically on the end of the bed, as far away from me as he could get from me.

"So you told Tyler" he started. I sat up and brought my knees to my chest. I stared at the bed and tried not to look at him in the eyes.

"He made me. I wanted to tell you first" I defended myself, he just scoffed.

"You can't even look at me. How am I supposed to believe that?" He was angry at me now which made me want to cry even more.

"Please don't hate me" I cried out, I watched his eyes widen as I cried.

"Just tell me what happened. I'm not going to hate you" he said as if he were fed up with me. I wiped my tears and looked him in the eyes, he looked so hurt already.

"I was pregnant" I said, I watched as he his face fell and he brought his hands up to his face.

"Sage" he muttered, he tried to hug me but I pushed him off. He took in a deep breath.

"I lost our baby Josh, I had a miscarriage" I didn't think he understood.

"Do you not think this affects me too?" He looked offended. I started crying again and he shook his head fast. He crawled towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I took in his smell and lost myself completely. I wrapped my entire body around him and held him so tightly.

"I'm so sorry." I mumbled into him, he pulled himself back and looked confused.

"Don't be stupid Sage, this is not your fault" he held my face so I paid attention to him.

"It's my body who couldn't handle it, how is this not my fault?" He wiped my tears from my cheeks and sighed.

"You didn't want this to happen, you didn't hurt the baby on purpose. We can try again" he smiled as best he could.

"I don't want a baby yet, can we wait a little while?" I looked away from him. I couldn't imagine having a baby right now after losing one. It's like if your child dies just adopted another one to replace it.

"Of course. I pushed you before, I'm sorry" he said timidly. I let out a deep breath and nodded.

"I love you" I whispered, he kissed me hard and we fell back so we were laying down. This time, I got to lay on top of him so we could cuddle. He held me so tightly I felt safe. My loss didn't feel so big when he was around.

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I might not post as regularly because I have my GCSE's until mid-June and they start tomorrow. Wish me luck!