How everything started (taylor momsen girlxgirl)

Chapter 33

Taylor's point of view

I woke up to a punch in the face and felt a shooting pain in my right eye, I had to clutch it hurt that much. Holly was thrashing around again, I forgot about my eye and jumped on top of her and pinned her hands above her head as she violently fought to get me off of her, her screams piercing my ears. "HOLLY!!!" I screamed "WAKE UP!!!" I continued screaming, Jordan came running in with a cup of freezing cold and threw it over her face and she still didn't wake up she screamed louder and louder "shit" I mumbled out as I turned to Jordan "call somebody" I said to her panicked that Holly hadn't woken up, but had in fact gotten louder and more violent "who am I supposed to call?" Jordan asked me, her tone just as panicked and scared as mine "erm, who would know what to do?" I asked not really sure who to call, I wasn't sure whether to call an ambulance or not. Next thing I know I've been head butted in the nose and I've fallen onto the floor harshly, a loud thump following behind me as I groaned out in pain "oh shit! Shit. Shit. Shit." Holly kept repeating to herself as she jumped off the bed and knelt down to my side "oh my fucking god! Are you okay?" She asked as she picked me up bridal style and carried me to our bathroom, all I could do was groan. "Baby I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry" she kept repeating to me as she sat on the bathroom counter by sink and turned the tap whilst turning to look at me. I put my finger on her lips as to hush her, she understood and stopped talking as she rushed to grab some cotton wool and disinfectant, she used hot water and wet the cotton wool along with adding the disinfectant, she moved my hand and started to dab around my nose clearing the blood up as best she could without hurting me, every time she did I winced "I'm so sorry" she whispered to me as she kissed my lips lightly "Holly, you need to go and see a doctor" I said patiently back to her as she continued to clean my nose "I don't want to" she replied stubbornly "look I can't keep doing this and neither can Jordan, both of us are tired, and you? Well I'm surprised you manage to get through the day without collapsing from exhaustion. You haven't had a single nights worth of full sleep since the accidents and I think that you need help with that" I replied more firmly "Taylor I'm not going to see a doctor" her tone was harsh and sharp, I looked at her questioningly as she looked up at me and into my eyes, her own void of emotion, this scared me because never has she been so closed off, so inside of herself. She wouldn't let me in and I was scared of the dark colour that had taken over her once shining green eyes "Holly, please." I pleaded her as a tear rolled down my cheek "you're not happy anymore, this is taking a toll on you and I don't want to lose you" I sobbed into her chest as she wrapped her arms around me "I'm sorry Taylor" she mumbled "I'm not going to see anyone" she spoke again, her voice determined, her mind clearly made up, but the truth is she was hurting me, every day I had a new bruise and now id have a bruised nose and black eye, I couldn't keep doing this "you have to go and see someone" I pushed her away from me slightly and spoke harshly "you're not only hurting yourself but you're hurting me" I continued as my voice began to raise "can't you see that? All the bruises? Everything Holly, you're hurting me" I shouted at her as tears streamed down my face, but she just stood there watching her feet and finding a sudden interest in the floor "Holly! Look at me!" I demanded but she didn't move, my next decision was hard, but I instantly regretted the words as they left me mouth "if you don't get help, then we are gonna have to end this" I told her, my voice clearly showing my decision, my mind and body screaming to keep her "wh...what?" She asked as her head snapped up to look at me, I kept my face serious "are you fucking serious?" She screamed at me, I've never seen her so enraged and I winced at the loudness of her voice "I love you and you're going to leave me because I don't want to get help? How else am I supposed to do things, how am I going to get through this alone?" She carried on shouting as she paced the bathroom in front of me "I'm.." I started, but she cut me off "no don't" she said "you've said enough" she finished sighing as a silent tear rolled down her face. It stabbed me like a newly bought kitchen knife, right in the chest, her words repeating in my mind on a loop that I couldn't control "oh and Taylor" she whispered as her voice cracked "I'll sleep on the couch tonight" she finished "Holly" I breathed out my own voice broken and weak, she turned and looked at me "you don't..." I was interrupted again "no I do, but just remember that I love you" she replied, she walked out as the tears fell down her face, her whole posture slouched. I couldn't help but cry, I had hurt her really badly, I had no idea what to do, but her mind was made up, she was going to sleep on the couch and I just didn't know what to say to her now. My mind was going crazy and I felt stuck inside of it as I laid alone. My whole body freezing and craving her touch, I could hear her violent sobs and muffled moans of pain as she laid crying alone in the living space area, this only fuelled my crying to be just as bad as my body shook violently with every sob. I began to find it hard to breathe and thought that I was going to be sick.

Holly's point of view

What am I supposed to do now? That's the first time me and Taylor have really had, well, an argument and I don't know what to even say or think. My mind is racing, I don't want to get help, I don't really think I need it, but Taylor, I love her and if I don't do something I'm going to lose her. I laid here crying my eyes out alone to the point that breathing became nearly impossible and my lungs felt like they were closing up. I really needed to do something for my nightmares and reoccurring flashbacks, but I just don't want to. I don't know what I'm scared of or worried about, but I just don't want to do it.

I sat up until dawn started to arrive and fought this internal battle with myself, driving myself mad and paining myself. I made myself some tea and made Taylor a coffee. As I finished stirring the beverages I could here footsteps behind me "are you alright?" I heard my best friend whisper as she put her hand on my shoulder, I turned to look at her and she gasped slightly "wow" I croaked out "I look that bad huh?" I questioned as I smirked "Holly? Seriously you need to sort this out. You and Taylor need to sort this out, I hate to say it but Taylor is right. Holly you need help" she told me firmly and patiently, her tone caring, but I could her the pain and sorrow etched in it at the thought of my problems "I'm...I..." I stuttered, but really I had no idea what I was going to say, I bowed my head down as I thought for a second then I decided that I would have to get help "okay" I whispered my voice hoarse "I'll get help" I finished as I looked up at her "but first I need to sort this out with Taylor" I continued before getting her coffee for her and entering our room leaving Jordan to her own devices in the kitchen.

I opened the door slowly and walked to the bed side table placing the steaming cup on it, I turned to look at the girl I love and saw that she had tear stained cheeks, they were a bright red colour not like her usual, her skin blotchy from the salted water that she'd so painfully let out all night, her face had this pained expression on it and although her eyes were closed I could tell that she was exhausted, I smiled at the thought that maybe she'd be having a nice dream, but I cringed when I noticed her swelling eye and the slight purple bruise that was forming around it, her face screwed up and she let yet another tear fall down her cheek. Pain ripped in my chest as I didn't know what else to do, but lay beside her and hold her. So I did, as soon as I touched her she warmed into me as our bodies fell together like two pieces of a puzzle, her head nuzzling into my chest as I felt her tears soak my shirt, I sketched small circles on her exposed shoulder as I kissed the top of her head and sighed "Taylor, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you so much and I'm so scared to lose you, I know that things are bad right now and maybe that's my fault, but everything good comes from something bad. It's funny really, I sat dreaming about a relationship that would be perfect, no arguments, no problems, no disagreements, but that's not a reality, that's a Fairytale and well a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor, so I know things are bad now. But Taylor I promise that no matter what things will get better, I'm going to get help for whatever is going in inside my head, I'll keep you safe and I promise I won't ever hurt you again because I love you too much to do that Taylor. You're my everything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much Taylor" I told her, assuming she was asleep as my eyes stung and a small tear rolled down my cheek, I felt her face move against my shirt that was now damp with tears, she lifted her head and looked at me, her eyes pouring out with tears "I love you so much Holly, you'll never lose me. I promise" she chocked out, I lifted my hand and used the pad of my thumb to wipe her cheeks "please don't cry" I mumbled into her ear as I placed a passionate kiss on her lips. "I love you" I spoke against her lips, every word full of emotion and meaning "I love you too" she whispered back as she reconnected our lips.