Let Me Teach You Something (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 18

WARNING: TALK ABOUT PAST SELF HARM. TRIGGER ALERT.

"I'm not gay."

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to pull out from under Harry, but Harry burrowed in closer and buried his face in Louis' shirt.

"Please don't go," Harry begged softly.

"I just don't understand. Harry, I'm trying to be kind about this, but you given my two handjobs so far. And loved it. You've panted for me, moaned for me. I've felt your hands on my ass. You, my dear, like men."

Harry had gotten more and more tense as Louis went on and now Harry with gripping Louis' shirt in his fingers. "I can't be gay, Louis."

"Why not? Is it religious? Are you scared? Afraid your family won't approved of me? I get all of that. But you can't change who you are Harry." Louis tried to stress the importance of what he was saying by pulling Harry in closer to him.

"I'm not ashamed, I promise."

"Could've fooled me, sweetheart."

Harry shook his head again while he defended himself. "I'm not ashamed that I like you. I'm not ashamed I like the way your cock feels in my hand. Trust me. I'm not."

"Then I don't get it, Harry. What's with the gay-bashing, and the denial, and the running away?"

"I don't have a choice."

Louis didn't know why but he all of sudden hated whoever, or whatever, was giving Harry no choice. He wanted to beat them for making this sweet boy afraid to be himself.

"Why not?" Harry just shook his head again and ran a hand down Louis' chest. "Tell me, love. Please."

"I don't want you to hate them."

Louis kept a tight grip of Harry's waist and ran his other hand through Harry's curls. "I just want to understand."

Harry was silent for a while. Just when Louis thought he wasn't going to get anything Harry said, "I have nothing."

"I don't-"

"This apartment. My car. My clothes. My laptop. My schooling. Everything. It's not mine. My parents pay for everything."

"Okay," Louis encouraged.

"Please don't judge me, okay?"

"I wouldn't."

Harry took a long breath to prepare.

"I've known I wa-that I liked men for a while. I had a crush on this boy in sixth grade and I tried to kiss him by his locker once. He freaked and punched me, which to be fair, I might've deserved. He ran and told a teacher, who told the principal, who told my parents. My very wealthy, very influential parents. My dad own a big company and is on the board for tons of other businesses. My mom is a rep in the house. They're...watched a lot. When they picked me up that day and sat me down to talk, and I told them that I didn't like girls like I liked boys, they weren't happy. They talked about how they had a reputation to uphold. That mom was never going to get re-elected, much less moved on to the senator, with a gay son."

Louis gripped Harry's waist hard enough to bruise.

Harry kept going, "They aren't bad people. They were scared. They live in a certain society and didn't know any other way." Harry rubbed patterns in Louis' arm, trying to calm him. "That day they told me that I couldn't be gay. That if I loved them I would change for them. I did love them, do love them, so I told them I'd change. I stopped looking at boys. I would pinch myself every time I thought about one. As I grew up I punished myself in other ways."