Weak | S.R

Spencer

I feel like my world is crumbling as I step out of Allie's room. I fucked everything up with one sentence.

With nine words.

'For being with someone sixteen years younger than me.'

Tears stream down my cheeks as I close her door and stand outside of it for a few seconds, debating whether or not I should go back in and try to explain myself again.

I decide against it, of course, knowing it'd just make her more upset and that she won't listen to me.

When I make it down to my car, I rest my head on the steering wheel and let my sobs free, clutching the sides of it tight.

Once I've sort of regained myself, I sit back up and grab the paper she'd handed me from in my pocket. She said it was what she'd planned on saying to my mom.

I unfold them and my eyes settle on her handwriting. It's practically a script on what she wanted to say. She was that nervous?

The top of the first page is titled 'Diana Reid' and below it...

'You did such a wonderful job raising this young man. He's never once been cruel to me and he always makes me smile and treats me with respect. Not to mention he's smart as a whip and from what I've heard, he gets it from you. I really adore him and I'm so in love with him that it terrifies me a little bit.
I see myself settling down and having a family with him which is something I'd never wanted before. Something that I was positive I'd never want before meeting him.
Then he came around and now I'm having dreams about the two of us getting woken up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning by some little goblins that look like both of us.
In all honesty, when he asked me to come with to meet you in Vegas, my mind started churning out a bizarre scenario in which we got married while we were down here. Who knows what might happen? All I know is I wouldn't object to getting married in a tacky, little chapel that does drive-through weddings. I'd be marrying the man of my dreams and I couldn't care less if it were in a courthouse, in front of an Elvis impersonator, or in some fancy banquet hall with all of our friends and family.
Spencer is'

It cuts off after the word 'is'. She didn't finish it.

My tears hit the page as I read it, spreading some of the ink around.

I fucked up. I fucked everything up.

She was ready to get married and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.

Fuck.

Way to go, Spencer.

I start driving without a destination in mind and after about two hours, I pull up to a cemetery and the pilot light in my brain is blown out. I drove here without even realizing it. My first instinct is that maybe I wanted to talk it out with Gideon, but there's someone else buried here...

Maeve.

I sit in my car for awhile, staring through the windshield at the tombstones lining the grass. I pull out my phone and try to call Allie a few times, leaving voicemail after voicemail and asking her to let me explain and telling her that I'm sorry.

I send her text messages.

Please call me.

Please talk to me.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I was angry.

I love you.

Please call me.

Please let me explain.