The Villainess Will Not Bring Dishonor To Her Family

159 - Conflicting Emotions

Once again I ponder the use of these carriages.

While shielded from the wind and rain, my body is stiff and the fully occupied carriage makes it warm and uncomfortable. My head feels fuzzy from being unable to move, and my head keeps filling with thoughts...

Magdalin's secret. Princess Emilia's existence. Lionel's silence. Kenta's death. My own actions, purpose and desires... that King Landon. Landon the former seductress.

I know... I know that I am sinning. I know that I brim with regret. My mind keeps going back to the battle in the throne room and goes over everything I could have changed.

Just like I did back then.

While the hell of regret devours me inside out everything else seems so hazy.

I tug at the laced collar of the dress and breathe out. I want to walk on my own. After practically living as my old self for months, getting back into the dress and role of a courtier is suffocating.

I glance to little Princess Emilia who is gently beginning to subconsciously rock back and forth while repeating lessons and speeches from the ghosts tutoring her and guiding her through everything.

It would not be wrong to say that she's like Alstair was as a kid, but with a full council to advice her.

At least I assume so by counting the different names she has been muttering under her breath.

"Princess Emilia, you should take a break," I word out calmly while looking over her small fragile figure.

In return she looks up at me with matte, blood shot eyes and then shakes her head vigorously... enough to clearly make her head spin as she quickly grips her head afterwards.

"If I'm not ready everything will fail and many people will die... I must learn."

While admirable, and clearly a good girl, this will eventually backfire if she keeps it up.

"You've not gotten rest, exercise or food enough to keep up with the amount of focus demanded of you, Princess. You should not neglect your health," I argue while feeling a drop of sweat crawling down my neck from my overheating scalp. I'm sitting knee to knee with Emilia's maid, and thigh to thigh with Magdalin, and over time on windless days as this, the carriage just gets too warm. That Emilia has been able to study so diligently for so long is more than enough at this point. A ruler isn't made in a day.

Emilia looks down at the bundle of books at her feet between her and Magdalin, and frowns a bit with a downcast gaze.

"Okay... Lady Lily."

Emilia gives in and then goes quiet for the first time since morning. She was even muttering during breakfast between her bits and pieces of food.

I watch Emilia lean against her maid's shoulder, and then she is out like a candle under water. I don't think we could wake her up for a while.

With Emilia asleep I push the curtain to the carriage open to feel just hints of the cool air outside. The sharp evening sun peeks through the curtain on the other side, but if I open up this one Emilia should be able to sleep just fine while the rest of us get to breathe.

Unexpectedly, Emilia was embarrassed about talking with the ghosts in front of others, so she'd asked us to close the curtains. Either that, or she was worried about seeming cursed to the soldiers still trying to get used to the thought that magic blessed by faeries of darkness wasn't evil.

At least for now we'd have fresh air.

I gaze over the knights riding next to the carriage, and the ones from House Tepet a bit further around us. Once we reach Castle Tepet, Lionel will probably bring more reinforcements along for the peace negotiations, but...