MILK & WINE

CHAPTER 11: ICE AND FIRE

PRESENT

Kentucky, USA:

Ahmed was sitting on the sidewalk with his crutches beside him. If it were not for his suit, many people would have deemed him as a beggar. He just sat there with his eyes closed s tears flowed from them like rivers.

Allah hu Akbar Allah Hu Akbar

The call to the prayer was announced, Ahmed opened his eyes.

"You know what they say Ahmed? Prayer made right after Adhaan gets accepted very quickly." Zaynab's voice rang inside his head.

He stood up and closed his eyes. His hands felt too heavy to hold up, but still he raised them. In front of the All Seeing and All Hearing. He picked up his crutches trying to find way.

"Brother, do you need help?" He heard someone call out. It was bunch of teenagers and he was no way their "Brother". "We were going to masjid maybe we can help you."

Ahmed didn't say anything, he just nodded.

They supported him by shoulder although his crutches gave him enough support that he needed, he could not decline young teenagers. His feet had suddenly grown very heavy. He was ashamed of himself. How dare I enter such holy place? He thought looking at the gates of masjid. But he did not stop. He had a feeling that Allah was calling him. Maybe now was the time to clear all dues, say sorry and be friends with him once again. He thought with a glum smile.

The teenagers made him sit on the chair that is supposed to be used by elderly but he could not prostrate for obvious reasons, so he was given the chair. After namaz everyone stood up, hugged each other, talked to each other. Some people approached Ahmed too. They were talking about the politics of the area which Ahmed knew nothing off, so he just nodded and listened to them.

Hours later the masjid was almost empty, but there was one person that was still there. Now on the prayer mat, Ahmed sat on his knees as tears continuously flowed down his face.

O you who knows the secrets of hearts, who knows the seen and the unseen, you know my heart inside out. After years of rebelling against you, years of crossing the limits that you set for me, but now I am here. I know I am dirty with sins but your forgiveness will wash that away and I will stay in your court until you forgive me. I have come here with sins but also with shame and misery. He bended his head and started weeping.

I know it's height of shamelessness that I came here after so long just to ask for a woman but that woman means world to me. I know I am selfish but just send that woman back in my life, just give me breath of life again. I know I should be patient but you know that I love her. Just send her back. Or send me to her. Ahmed was sobbing as he went down in prostration.

That was the longest prostration of his life. He cried for his sins, he cried for his love, he cried for his lost ones and most of all, he cried for his lord.

When he stood from his sujood, he saw that Imam was sitting next to him. He had white beard, not too long but decent. His forehead shone in the dimly lit mosque. But he had most lively eyes. Ahmed felt as if God could be seen with those eyes. There were slight wrinkles around those eyes but they were bright.

Ahmed bowed as if to acknowledge the presence of the Imam. Imam placed his hand over Ahmed's head and tapped it.

"You look troubled, boy." Imam said staring into Ahmed's eyes. "Have you lost something?" He asked. Ahmed nodded.
"Yes, I think I have lost God, I think Allah is gone too far away." Ahmed said trying to control his sobs. He didn't want to cry like a little boy.
"Allah is never far child. He says in his book that he nearer than your jugular vein. Then how can you say that he is far away?" The Imam paused. "It is man who wanders away from his lord and then gets lost in the darkness of the world. He blames Allah for abandoning him when it is the man who abandons Allah. Allah can never abandon you, child. Allah says that he loves his creation like seventy mothers. Can a mother abandon her child?" The Imam paused and shook his head.
"I think I have sinned too much. I think Allah will have his angels shoo me away from him. I am filthy." Ahmed broke down.
"Child, we are all filthy, we were made from dirty clot of blood, how clean can it be? And when Allah has promised you forgiveness if you repent wholeheartedly, who are you to decide that Allah will shoo you away? Indeed it is Shaytan the cursed who whispers doubts into hearts of people. Don't give into him, come to Allah more often." Imam smiled. "Allah loves a sinner who has repented because he makes effort to find Allah, and Shaytan hates a sinner who has repented because his hard work is wasted. So what he does is, try to manipulate the man into thinking that he sins are unforgivable, so that they don't try to find the way back to Sirat Al Musteqeem." Imam added.
"I have done every sin that could be possible." Ahmed said looking down at his prayer mat.
"Well, have you murdered?" Imam asked. Ahmed shook his head, "Have you added partners with Allah?" Imam asked again, Ahmed repeated his actions. "Then child you can be forgiven. Allah is Ghafoor, he Rahman, he is Raheem. He never went away from you, he is still waiting." Imam said.