MILK & WINE

CHAPTER 17: THE NIGHT OF TERROR

FATIMA'S POV:

The green leaves of the trees turned brown, orange, and red when October was halfway over. The jacket season had started. That's how brief the summer breeze was in Canada. It came slowly and teasingly and went away like a gust of wind. One moment you would be enjoying the warmth and the other moment the trees would start shedding their leaves.

Life was just like this. The moments you enjoy go past by you in a moment and then there is just the eternal coldness of winter. I thought as the leaves crunched beneath my feet.

Saad was saying something but I was zoned out. This is how our "relationship" has been. For the past three and a half months, I tried my best to be interested in him but my stupid heart just refused to respond to him. Saad was nothing like the guy I imagined to get married to. He just makes me listen and never actually hears something from my side. He would get angry if I do not pick up the call as soon as the third bell rings.

There have been incidents that made me think that he doesn't want me. He just wants me to play this ideal wife he has imagined. His "ideal" wife is nothing like me.

His ideal wife wears makeup to look presentable, she must appear in front of him as soon as he wants, she would skip classes to have lunch with him, she was someone that had only him on her priority list. She was someone I was not. She was someone I became. She was someone I hated. I hated myself.

I hated how I had bottled up all my emotions and became a lifeless vessel for Saad. But I could not speak.

I looked at Saad who was talking about how infuriated he was for losing a project. I smiled at his little outrage. I was the only one Saad vented to. Seeing my smile he paused and smiled back. His cheeks glowed and blushed whenever he smiled and his eyes would squeeze a little. He was really too much invested in our "relationship". I felt guilt eat me up whenever he mentioned the future with me.

I felt that it was my fault that I could not bring myself to love him and return his affection.

I couldn't walk away either. I was afraid that it would break his heart. I never intended to hurt him.

More than myself, I hated Ahmed. He was the reason I had agreed with this God awful arrangement. I wanted someone to be there so that Ahmed wouldn't feel so entitled to treat me as he wants. I wanted a wall that I could lean on but it turned out that I had become the wall on which Saad leaned with all his baggage. I was falling in an abyss of self-pity. I hated how I was stuck in this web and could not get out. I had never imagined that this scheme would backfire so badly. I never imagined to what extend my hands and feet would be bounded.

Saad continued his story and guilt attacked me again. I was cheating on him. I was frauding him. I pretended to be interested in him while he never touched my heart or sparked any emotion inside me.

We reached the med school and Saad dropped me at the door. I managed to give him a halfhearted smiled before heading in.

Even though I didn't love Saad but I saw him as a friend, my mind always worried about him. These months were the most miserable months. I cried in the bed guiltily, I cried on the prayer mat, I lost interest in food.

My mind kept going back to that night as people rushed past me. The corridor was buzzing with life but I felt dead surrounded by the silence of the cemetery. I felt like a grave. People talked to me but I would only nod and smile in response. My words were dry and emotionless. Katherine kept bringing up a psychiatrist but I brushed it off. I didn't have time for that. 

I went to the locker to pick up some of my notes before heading to class. I made my way through the crowd and reached my locker. It was already late people were already getting to there respective classes.