Everything I Lost | Jensoo

Chapter 2

JENNIE

When I close my eyes at night my mind drifts back to my childhood. Back to the family I loved and lost. I remember when I used to play with my sister in our back yard and my mom was calling us to get back home to eat. I remember my dad dressed as a santa and putting our presents under the tree. Of course I knew who he was but I never told him. I liked that he wanted us to believe. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night I feel a tear or two because I remember them..

You think that money is enough when you have them but they are not. Money is not everything and sure couldn't help Dahee and couldn't bring my parents back. The once Kim's wealthy family ceased to exist.

When Dahee died I was close to bankruptcy. Ella was a baby that had needs. She needed to be fed, dressed and everything that a baby needs. I was starting to sell things from our house while on the same time I was trying to find a job. But not having a degree was difficult. I even tried to find a job to our local super market.

When the manager saw who I was he just laughed and told me that they had no positions open. I was twenty-three year old woman with a baby and a lot of bills. I couldn't pay the electricity, I didn't have a health insurance because I couldn't pay for it and day by day I was looking my memories vanish when people was coming to my home taking the last memories I had. And all I could do was to look.

Ella was one year old when we lost our home. I didn't want for her to live like that. I had dreams for her. Taking her to the best schools, and to her classmates parties. But now I couldn't offer anything to her. It is true when they say that in over a night everything can change. But my night was days and then years. I think that my life is written for me and I am just a character. I never believed that I would find myself in a situation like this.

In a moment of weakness I thought of giving Ella to a foster home. They would give her everything that I couldn't. But as the thought came to me it just left at the same time. Ella was my blood. It was Dahee's daughter and she was my only family. I would do anything for her. And I wouldn't let us down. It was me and her after all.

California was not our home anymore. I needed to leave everything behind. The last money I had were 2000 dollars. I couldn't do much with 2000 dollars. I packed a bag for Ella with her milk, some diapers and her clothes. We would travel by plane and a bus so I couldn't take with me too many things. I didn't care for myself. All I cared for was my baby girl. I packed another bag for me putting inside some clothes of mine, the 2000 dollars I had that now were 1500 because of the tickets I paid and said hello to my once home.

I wanted to go to a small town. Somewhere different from California but then I thought that it would be difficult to find a job there. Small towns are not like cities and in order for us to survive we needed to go to a city. Philadelphia was our stop. Why Philadelphia? I don't know. The first thing I thought when I opened the map was Philly. Where we would stay? What we would eat? I just didn't know. My future was blank to me. All I did know was to keep Ella alive and fed. That was my goal. And I would do anything to keep my promise.

To an outsider eyes we looked okay. We were a woman and her child just traveling. Besides everything that happened to me I never lost myself. I was still the same Jennie from the outside. But from the inside I was feeling old. I was feeling tired and I was scared for the unknown. But I had to be strong for that little girl that I was holding in my arms. When I was looking at her she looked so much like Dahee. She had the same brown hair like her mom, the same nose and lips. But she had blue eyes and I think that got it from her dad. It was a beautiful girl and I cried inside that I couldn't give her what she deserved.

I had 1500 dollars in my pocket. I needed to find us somewhere to stay and something to eat. Ella was not a baby anymore. She needed real food and not just only milk. And what was hurting me was that everytime she was looking at me she was calling me mama. It was hurting me because she would never meet her real mama.

Before we leave California I searched about places to stay. The only places I found were the ones for homeless people. And we were like them. It wasn't something that I wanted too but instead of staying on the road I had to find something to keep us warm. Wandering in town I found some cheap hotels with 20 dollars per night. I wasn't ready yet to have us stay there with all the homeless. I was ready to spent 500 dollars so we could stay there for at least a month. In that month I would start searching for a job. I just hoped that I would find something. I didn't want to leave Ella alone so I searched for a place to let her there as I would search for jobs. Another 500 dollars spent and we had only 500 left. I had only a month..

The hotel it was more a motel than a hotel. Every night I would pass infront of dealers, hookers and every scamp you would imagine. And every night I would pass infront of them with my head down and my heart beating fast..

The first days I couldn't find anything. No one had opening positions. I wasn't looking for anything big. I was ready to do anything. Who would have known that the girl who was partying every night, who had everything, now she wasn't deferent from every other homeless man or woman trying to survive.

The first two weeks were the same. Me waking up early every morning, taking Ella to the kindergarden and coming back late in the evening taking her back to the motel. I was starting to get frustrated that I couldn't find anything. But looking at those blue eyes every night, smiling at me I couldn't lose hope.

On the third week I was outside a bar that they were looking for a barwoman. I thought of going inside but I couldn't let Ella alone all night. I had to find a morning job so I could be with her. I kept walking around the city till I was outside a bakery shop. They didn't have anything outside that said that they were hiring but I wanted to ask. Once I was inside the place looked amazing and it smelled even better. There was a girl behind the stand. She looked close to my age.

"Excuse me, I am looking for a job. Anything at all. I don't know if you are looking.." she just smiled at me and told me that she didn't know and that she would ask her manager. Five minutes later a tall man round his mid forties came outside. I wasn't looking like a homeless person. Whenever I would search for a job I would wear nice clothes that didn't show my need for a job so the others could trust me.

"There is only one position open but it is a part time. The girl that used to work here left me without any notice. So if you are interesting.."

"I do. I don't have a problem."

"The money isn't that much. Every two weeks you will be paid. What is your name?"

"Jennie."

"Well Jennie. Welcome. See you tomorrow at 7am sharp. Don't be late."

That day I was so happy. I found us a job. I could support us and we wouldn't have any problem. I was lucky because it wasn't that far from our motel and it was a part time job so I could be with Ella after I finished my shift. I couldn't ask anything more. But happiness can't last for long..