ICARUS - Hawks x Reader

THIRTY SEVEN: Unwanted Answer

"So, you're planning a divorce..?"

The glare of my laptop in the midst of the darkness was burning holes in my retinas, but I couldn't drag my tired eyes away. One earphone in, the other draped across my throat, I laid on the couch, listening to the fifth video of the night. The woman on the screen rattled on and on about the pros and cons of divorce, and I zoned in and out, hearing nothing different than what I had from the other videos.

Will it even come to that..?

After returning from the beach, Hawks and I had argued non stop. He wouldn't give me any legitimate reasons as to why he was so rude to Kohei, and I was just tired of it all. Ignoring his begging and pleading, I decided to claim the couch for the night, spending that time alone to look into a real possibility.

"Sunshine...you're gonna get a sore neck..." I slammed my laptop screen down the moment I heard his voice, playing it off as fright from his sudden appearance in the doorway. Wings dragging on the floor, he looked how I felt. Exhausted.
"Better than places I've slept in the past." I muttered, sitting up and placing the computer onto the coffee table. "You want something?" Padding over, the man stood by the arm of the couch, scratching at his bare chest.

"Can't sleep without you there with me." He confessed, which earned him a sarcastic snort from my end.
"So you're telling me you didn't sleep a wink all that time you were out doing god knows what?" I scoffed, feeling my internal hinges begin to creak. I didn't exactly want to pick a fight with him, but I was at the end of my rope. If he wouldn't give me answers, then there was no point in any of it.

Hawks' wispy eyebrows furrowed, but he didn't try to move closer to me.
"Very little. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have been so rude...but-"
"I don't wanna hear your excuses anymore, Keigo. I'm sick to death of excuses..." My fingernails dug into the plush of the couch cushions whilst I avoided his gaze, temper rising.

I don't think I can do this anymore...

"I want you to be able to understand, (Y/N). You have no idea how badly I wish I could tell you everything, but...I can't. It's for your own good..." I had heard those five words a thousand times before, and I had a special kind of hatred for them. Was it really for my own good? Like how I was abandoned by my parents? How I was kicked out of every foster family? How I was sucked into a filthy world where my body filled my wallet?

"You know what else might be for my own good, Keigo?" My conscience was doing it's best to keep me from spewing out what was on my mind, but the sentence was stinging at the tip of my tongue, begging to be spoken.
"Would it be a divorce?" I didn't even have to say it. Hawks did it for me, and the bitterness that had poisoned his tone hit me where it hurt. "Just a wild guess, considering you went through almost five of those advice videos."

How could he have heard that..?

It was then that I realised my mistake. Sure, my headphones had been in my ears, but the jack wasn't plugged into the laptop.
"So, you were standing there the whole time then, huh?" I sighed, raking my hand down the length of my face. Hawks finally moved around to the front of the couch, but he didn't dare sit by me. He just stood there, staring down at me with bloodshot eyes.

"Do...you really think that's the answer? Running away from our problems?" I wouldn't look at his face, but I could see his fist squeezing tighter, as though he was trying to restrain himself from something.
"Running away? Tch, isn't that what you did after..." No, I couldn't say that. "Just look at us. Nothing is working anymore. Face it, we rushed into this without thinking anything through."

We moved too fast...

Each individual feather attached to my husband's back quivered as he tried to remain calm, swallowing loudly whilst his socked feet shuffled on the hardwood.
"I did think it through. My love for you isn't some whirlwind bullshit like in those tacky soaps, (Y/N). Yeah, things happened quickly, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong..." The hitch in his voice was painful to hear, but I had to stand my ground. "Rough is an understatement, but we can get through this! It'll take time, but once all of this is over, then-"

"When what is over, Keigo?! When will it be over?! You're asking me to wait around for something that I have no idea about! Weeks?! Months?! Years?! I don't want to wait!" When I leapt up, Hawks stumbled backwards, falling so he was sitting on the coffee table, hands gripping the edge tightly. "Either you tell me what the hell is going on, right fucking now, or we're through!"

I don't want this...I can't do this...I just...It hurts, Akitsugu...I need your help with this...

The tears welling in the man's eyes seemed to shimmer in the dull light, the only thing breaking the sudden silence being the white noise of waves crashing on the shore below. Unlike my significant other, I couldn't cry. My tears had been wasted on weeks of neglect, pain and fear.
"If I told you..." Hawks began, my entire body tensing at the hoarse sound of his whisper. "...you would be in even more danger...and you would never forgive me..."

"He's all red...A scary red...That's his only colour...Please be careful..."

That warning circled around my mind, over and over. It was all I could bear to hear. Without a word; without even so much as a twitch of an eyelid, I was walking towards the door.
"(Y..Y/N), wait..!" I could hear Hawks following me, even reaching for me, but his touch never came. He knew better than to hold me back. I stopped with my hand on the doorknob, staring at the lacquered wood.
"Did you...have something to do with her death..?"

Please, just say no...If you say no, I'll believe you, even if it's a lie...

He was so close behind me. I could feel the warmth of his shaking breath on the nape of my neck.
"I...told you...that you'd never forgive me..." That did it. A pain in my chest as well as in the pit of my abdomen, flaring into an unbearable agony in mere seconds.
"I..I'm...gonna go and stay somewhere else...for a while...until I lodge the pa..paperwork..." I couldn't push through the door fast enough, but this time Hawks didn't follow me.

He knew he had fucked up. Why couldn't he have just lied to me? Out of everything, why did that have to be the one truth he shared? The chill of the night are rippled through my (S/C) skin as I stormed down the driveway, hyperventilation growing nearer with each breath I took.
"Y..you'll get sick..." I heard Hawks call out from the doorway, obviously close to breaking down. "Take this...you...don't gave to give it back..."

Glancing over my shoulder, I could see he had sent Gusty out with his coat, but the sight of it made me sick. The colour red made me want to throw up.
"I don't want it! Just..just stay away from me right now! Pl..please..!" There were no further attempts from my soon-to-be ex husband, and the moment I remembered I had a functional quirk, I put it to use.

Before my black, crooked wings had even formed completely I was in the air, flying as fast as I possibly could away from the condo. I knew I shouldn't have taken flight in the state I was in, but I needed to create distance. I wanted to cry, but nothing would come out. I could feel it welling up, but there was simply no release.

He...had a hand in it...Did he mean to..? Did he...Why would he...How could he..?!

It soon became clear that the air was a bad move. After almost crashing into a hotel window head on, I chose to land on the street, ignoring the baffled, concerned looks I received. I couldn't blame them, because who wouldn't gawk at a disheveled looking woman with demonic wings, dressed in nothing but (F/C) pyjamas and socks? My eyes scanned my surroundings, quickly falling onto the glowing sign of a bar.

I gotta take my mind off this before I go insane...

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***Next Time: Drowning Sorrows***