ICARUS - Hawks x Reader

SIXTY THREE: Only Human

I didn't utter a word to Hawks until we got home.

After the incident of me wrecking Endeavor's office, I had texted Dabi, requesting that I be able to return in the morning instead, bullshitting some reason about wanting to visit some made up relatives. He didn't seem to mind, but requested that I come back early and find him right away.

It was strange, being in our apartment again, and truly alone with Hawks. Our silence was heavy, and so very painful, given the circumstances. After a shower and a change of clothing, I stationed myself in the kitchen, right over a bowl of dry (F/Cereal).

"Will you let me explain..?" Glancing up, I met Hawks' eyes, seeing the sadness welling. Part of me didn't want to hear it, but at the same time, I had to know.
"You can try." I sighed in response, using my spoon to swirl the cereal around in the bowl. Keeping the countertop between us, he released his own heavy sigh, removing the gloves from his hands.

"Dabi gave me one final task to prove myself to the League, and that task was to...assassinate a pro hero..." He started, voice strained as his feathers began to part from his body so he could shrug off his coat. "Jeanist was never going to be able to make a full recovery, so I went to see him..."

Excuses...

My grip tightened around the slim metal handle, tongue being crushed between my molars as I tried not to raise my voice too much.
"You decided to murder the one person who looked out for us..." I corrected, fiery (E/C) gaze piercing through his face. Recoiling, Hawks held up his hands, motioning for me to wait.

"Please, just hear me out! When I got there, and confronted him, I chickened out! I wasn't gonna do it, I swear!" His voice adopted a much higher octave, urgent and distressed. "He..he messed with my head...he knew what was supposed to happen...and he pushed me to do it..."

He wouldn't...

That's what I initially thought. There was no way Best Jeanist would welcome death, after fighting so hard to stay alive after Kamino, but then I started to really dig into it all. He had treated us like his own children, making sure we were always as safe and happy as possible, pushing us to better ourselves, keeping us sane. He had been our lifeline, and if he had known what Hawks was going through, then maybe...

"H..he wanted you to succeed..." My arm lowered, and the spoon clinked against the porcelain, my eyes lowering but they focused on the granite counter.
"I regret it. I regret everything that's happened since the assignment of this fucking mission..." Hawks whispered, beginning to slowly pace the room, back and forth. "They were right, weren't they? Ever since I was a kid, they'd always say that I lived for them, not others. Killing has always been hard, but when it's close to home? I'm not that strong..."

No matter how much it hurt, I couldn't hate him for it. If I had found out prior to knowing about the mission, or fractions of his past, then I would never have forgiven him, but this was different. Best Jeanist wasn't a victim. He had offered himself for us to survive.

Cautiously, I moved around the counter and approached my distressed husband, blocking his pacing path and wrapping my arms around his middle.
"I don't care what the commission says. When this is over, you're done. We'll leave the province, Japan, if we have to. This is the last time." Curling around me, Hawks shook his head, the wisps of his hair tickling my skin.

"It's not that easy, Sunshine..." Squeezing him tighter, I wasn't having it. He needed to know that things could get better, even if I myself wasn't positive they ever could.
"When is anything ever easy with you?" I chuckled softly, pulling back to gaze into his honeyed eyes. "We'll make it work. Do first, think later. We're good at that."